


STARGAZING

by HeavyMetalMothman



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Daddy Issues, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Dealing, Drug Use, House Parties, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Minor Violence, Narcotics, Other tags to be added, Overdosing, Recreational Drug Use, Rehab, Ryan got issues, Shane is a drug dealer, Smut, Trans Male Character, Trans Ryan, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, junkie ryan, they're both heavily under influence while having sex, very breif dubious moment and it's not between shane and ryan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2020-08-31 23:31:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20248453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavyMetalMothman/pseuds/HeavyMetalMothman
Summary: “So, did daddy cut you off? Found out his little boy was running around in Urban Decay glitter shadow, drugstore eyeliner, and the sluttiest outfit he could put together short of leather pants? And so you’re doing drugs to get back at him?“Can you just say yes or no so I can stop wasting my time?” He looked at Shane, there’s this notch that’s formed between his eyebrows. Stubble covers his jaw, he can see up close there’s subtle highlighter starting to wear off on his cheek.“Listen, I’m not going to fuck just anybody. Especially not for an exchange of goods. I don’t know you, Glitter-Boy.” His nose has wrinkled a bit to join the notch, and Shane chuckled. “But you’re cute though, so I might be interested. But it’s not a promise.”His expression softens, and Shane drapes his arm behind the boy’s shoulder on the couch back. “What’s your name, Glitter-Boy?”He cracked a smile, glancing at Shane from the corner of his eye. “I’m Ryan."-Ryan's a slutty little junkie with issues that run deeper than the Mariana trench. Shane's a part time drug dealer stupid enough to fall for Ryan. Coke is great until it's not.





	1. STARGAZING

**Author's Note:**

> TAGS TO BE ADDED, THIS STORY GETS DARKER. PLEASE HEED THE TAGS.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Rollin', rollin', rollin', got me stargazin' _   
_Sippin' on purp, feelin' like the Barre Baby _   
_Whatever I downed, it got me goin' crazy _   
_Psychedelics got me goin' crazy _
> 
> Shane meets an interesting little Junkie.

He may as well have been just another stranger there that night. Weeding through the crowds of people, no particular path in mind. The low light and blue-purple backlight made everything seem slow paced, as if everyone were dancing through syrup, made from molasses, Purple drink spilling from the stairs to the floors.

He wasn’t sure, but he thought he was heading out to the patio, the pools blue light danced on the walls of the house through the massive glass window, casting blue, rippling glitter on the walls. 

“Shane!” 

He stopped and turned, one of his regulars stood there, a few feet away. His hand was hand was extended, waiting for Shane’s to fly right into it, though the keener eye could see the Benjamin Franklins with their perpetual frown curled within his grip.

Shane wondered once if they always looked mad because they were sentient enough to know they were used to pay for otherwise illicit and illegal things. In the end he didn’t care, he was more hammered than a box of cheap tacks, a fresh bleached blonde doing just _ terrible things _ in between his legs. 

Shane grasped the hand firmly and pulled his regular closer, patting him firmly on the back, I gesture that was returned just as firmly. The bills slid easily from his clients hand which he carefully tucked in his pocket. 

“What do you have for me tonight, brother?” Shane pulled one several bags from his inside pocket and held it up for his client— Colby or something was his name.

“Nothing but the best.” 

“Alright. Was tryna be lowkey but you just go for it man, that’s why I like you.” He takes it from Shane's fingers, the grains in the bag were so fine they could have been powdered sugar.

“Hey man,” Shane said adjusting his denim jacket. “I got advertise just a bit. People need to know there’s a source walking around. 

“Cool, well, I’m gonna dash; I got some folks waiting for me upstairs. There’s a bit extra for you in cash, but I may come and find yah again tonight.”

“Alright, well, don’t go too hard too fast man. I’d hate for something to happen.”

He watched the Colby walk away before continuing outside, Tj was waiting for him on a patio couch with his choice of girl for the evening, staring rather indifferently at her phone while Tj talked at her excitedly. Shane more or less stumbled out, trying not to notice the couple fucking in the pool or the dude obviously giving head in the hedge. 

It was a wild party for sure.

“Shane…” Tj held out his fist which Shane promptly bumped before taking a seat some distance from Tj and his… girl. He pulled the cash from his pocket and counted it, a solid 400$ already and the night had just begun, people already looking for their fix. 

“Everything solid?” Tj glanced at Shane, the bills passed through his fingers with ease. 

“Yeah, just tallying. Honestly if I get shorted I won’t sell to them again, and that word gets around _ fast. _”

“Fair, fair. You got a drink yet?” Tj shakes the ice in his empty cup for emphasis. 

“No, I just got here. Thought I’d chill for a bit before people start coming around.” Shane pulled a blunt from his pocket and lit it, the excess smoke hovered at his lips for a moment before being pulled into his lungs. 

Tj pats the girls butt, who up until that moment had been on her phone scrolling aimlessly through instagram. “Let’s go get the man a drink.” She got up with zero words and disappeared into the house, with Tj shortly behind. 

Shane took another hit off his blunt, the familiar pull and tug in his lungs returned. He watched outside, the subtle chaos and pattern. The couple in the pool were still having sex, but the head-hedge people had since gone elsewhere. Some people chilled in the bubbling spa in their underwear, one girl had completely removed her bra, letting her bare breasts hang out in the water. 

He’d seen wilder things. He’d seen darker things. Titties-in-the-hot-tub girl wasn’t hurting anybody, then what did he care. 

He caught sight of a boy watching him, wearing a purposefully tattered shirt and cut-off jeans. He couldn’t tell from too far but he was pretty sure he was wearing eyeshadow and eyeliner. He was talking to a guy _ much _ bigger than him, and if he couldn’t tell by his body language, he’d say the boy was seriously flirting with the bigger man. 

His attention was pulled away by the sound of a loud slap, followed by a loud “Ooohhhh!!!” from everybody in the yard. A shirtless man rose from the water with his fists in the air and his entire front was completely red. _ Belly flop, _Shane thought. The fornicating couple separated physically and were pretending like the whole pool hadn’t noticed. 

Shane took another drag, this time blowing the air out in puffs and watching it rise and disappear. He looked back and the boy was looking at him again, this time he smiled cheekily before turning back to the taller man. Shane would have waved but he wasn’t in the mood to lead glittery twinks on just yet.

He glanced at the kitchen, wondering what was taking Teej so long, he was getting a little irritated. He took another drag and glanced around. He was bored. And definitely not intoxicated enough, the ruckus around him was more annoying than entertaining.

“Can I sit with you?” Shane looked back and there was the glittery boy, at first all he saw was shorts distressed through the denim all the way up the leg. _ Easy bait, _ one heated look and quirked eyebrow and he could have that boy in his hand _ . _ If Shane were serious he could’ve turned him into a mule, pushing drugs to other vulnerable youth, but he wasn’t about that life. 

“Be my guest.” The boy sits down, and it’s _ really obvious _ he has a question he wants to ask, but he doesn’t want to be blunt. 

“Nice party, huh.” 

Shane sucks smoke into his lungs and speaks before he exhales. “Could do without the people fucking in the pool but yeah, it’s pretty mellow.” The smoke comes out in a plume, and Shane offers the dying blunt the boy. 

He inhaled before handing it back to Shane, the smoke coming out of his mouth in a slow moving, billowy cloud. 

“So…” He starts, and if there is one thing Shane cannot stand, it is people making small talk before asking him for drugs. 

Shane gets it, most dealers like to buttered up. Flattered. They like the center of attention, they’re dealers for fuck’s sake. But he could care less, it’s just a part time thing for side money. Hell, he didn’t even _ need _ the money, set up with his trust fund money, living in a downtown loft with Tj as a roommate, and purely for the sake of having company around _ only. _

“You want coke.” Shane says bluntly before sucking air in between his teeth. 

“Well yes, but—”

“Just say you want the coke. I can do without the small talk.” He pauses to look Ryan up and down, and occurs to him he’s never seen him before. “You’re not one of my regulars.”

“I saw you giving Colby Coleson a dimebag. That guy I was talking to wouldn’t give me any.”

“Oh? And why’s that?” Shane pulls in one last drag before flicking the roach away. It sizzled in the pool, floating next to some cigarette butts and rose petals. 

“I don’t have money. Well, I don’t have enough with me.” He straightened his back, then looked around to see if anyone was looking. Because nobody likes a junkie that can’t pay up.

“And you think… I’m gonna sell to you for less than what other people paid?” 

Before the boy can answer, Teej returns to the patio, no longer followed by his girl, handing Shane his drink. “What took you so long?” 

“I uhhhh, well. Claire saw some bitch I guess she’s fighting with, she said some shit to her and then Claire ripped out her extensions so… Seperating a cat fight I guess. Sorry, man.”

“Can’t believe I missed that.” Shane took a sip; vodka with a hint of cranberry and something else bitter. “Thanks Teej.” 

“Sure thing.” Claire came hobbling back out of the house, more pissed than when she left. 

“I want to leave.” She said bluntly. 

“I think you need to cool down.” Tj said, not so subtly glancing at the pool.

“I don’t need to fucking cool down, the bitch fucking deserved it, talking all kinds of smack on my own fucking gram, like I aint gonna see that shit???” 

“I said,” Tj plucks her phone from her hand and pulls his own out of his pocket for good measure. He hands them to Shane, who takes them without really realizing he’s been handed a pair of phones, waiting for Teej to leave so he can tell glitter-boy to leave or pay up. “You gotta cool down.”

“What the fuck are you doing? Give me my phone back!”

“I’m cooling you down, sis.” And without any warning, Tj picks her up and jumps into the pool, the poor girl screaming “no!” the whole time. They resurface and Tj is laughing like he’s having the time of his life, the girl promptly smacks him and screams “Asshole!!” before climbing out and dripping away. 

She takes her phone from Shane’s outstretched hand, he watches her stomp away, dripping wet, before turning back to Ryan. Tj swims drunken laps in the pool, fully clothed, laughing and mingling with another group, finally leaving them to their conversation. 

“So you don’t have money” Shane says again, looking at Ryan. He squirms a bit, and Shane could tell he was trying to get a bit closer. 

“I can pay you later.” 

“I only do that for regulars.” 

“I can pay you in another way.” Glitter-boy fidgets with his right pant leg before letting his hand ghost over Shane’s. 

“Do you pay everybody with that kind of currency?” 

“Never had to before.”

“Hmmm.” Shane nods and takes a deep gulp of his drink. At this point, he’s really starting to feel it and with the alcohol adding to the party soon, there’s no doubt he’d be able to get in the mood. Frankly, it's not something he’d ever done in exchange for drugs either, but what did he care. But that doesn’t mean he can’t play with him a bit first. 

“So, did daddy cut you off? Found out his little boy was running around in Urban Decay glitter shadow, drugstore eyeliner, and the sluttiest outfit he could put together short of leather pants? And so you’re doing drugs to get back at him?

“Daddy died in a wreck four years ago. And I don’t have the money because I already bought some today.” 

“My condolences, but it _ is... _ family issues, then _ .” _ Shane chuckled dryly, Ryan just huffed, aggravated. 

“Can you just say yes or no so I can stop wasting my time?” He looked at Shane, there’s this notch that’s formed between his eyebrows. Stubble covers his jaw, he can see up close there’s subtle highlighter starting to wear off on his cheek. 

“Listen, I’m not going to fuck just anybody. Especially not for an exchange of goods. I don’t _ know you, _Glitter-Boy.” His nose has wrinkled a bit to join the notch, and Shane chuckled. “But you’re cute though, so I might be interested. But it’s not a promise.” 

His expression softens, and Shane drapes his arm behind the boy’s shoulder on the couch back. “What’s your name, Glitter-Boy?”

He cracked a smile, glancing at Shane from the corner of his eye. “I’m Ryan. I go to Chapman Uni up the road.”

“There we go, that’s what I’m talking about. I’m Shane. What are you studying, and what is an aspiring young person such as yourself doing at a shithole like this, trying to bum coke off of any guy willing to look his direction?” 

“Film and television journalism. I wanted to make movies but hey, gotta do what pays the bills. And I’m here because I want to be.”

“See, here’s the thing about that. I _ know _ you’re here because you “want to be” or whatever. But I want to know why; because pardon me, I am fairly inebriated, but you are _ so handsome. _ And you seem like, a sweetheart. And coke’s gonna tear you apart in a few years.

“Well why are you here selling?”

Shane pulls the cash from his pocket and holds it up momentarily before slipping it back in his pocket. “Part time side business non taxable by the state government. Plus it’s nice to pretend like I’m living my life like a wild party. Honestly I just sit and watch the fallout.”

“You don’t use?” Ryan looked at him, side eyeing him nervously. And Shane gets it, its weird to find a dealer that doesn’t use. 

“No. I’ve never had anything stronger than weed. I’d like to keep it that way. It’s not my kind of lifestyle. I’ll go as far as cutting the lines for you, hell I’ll even give you the rolled dollar. Beyond that, I am over it.”

“Interesting.” 

“I have a day job, I don’t need drugs showing up on a surprise drug test.” 

“What kind of a day job?” Ryan leaned in a little closer, Shane adjusted his arm so it was on Ryan’s shoulder.

“I work part time for a multimedia company making a multitude of media, not limited to videos, moving graphics, still graphics, and design templates. And that’s as much as I’m willing to say on that.”

“That’s fair.” Shane nodded, taking another drink. He looked around, and everything seemed to have gotten a lot more fuzzy, slow moving, and _ purple; _ God those purple lights were intense. Periwinkle and pinks, they cast over everything, catching on the pool reflection, the glitter in Ryan’s eyeshadow. 

“Why are you wearing makeup, anyway? This doesn’t seem like one of those… friendlier parties.” 

“Oh,” Ryan laughs, a little bit embarrassed. “It’s kind of stupid, and really shallow honestly.” He glances at Shane, and Shane’s interest seems piqued, so he continues. 

“I… I like to bag “straight” boys so they can owe me favors. They like the makeup. I guess I like it a little bit too, I like… seeing my reflection after getting completely wrecked. It feels like a weird achievement.” Ryan takes the cup from Shane’s hand and takes a slow sip, crinkling his nose at how bitter it is. “Are you straight?”

“No.” Shane watches him take another sip. “I’m not.”

They sit in silence for a moment, Shane watching the pool in a weird sort of daze. Ryan’s hand on his leg is sort of mesmerizing, then there’s that familiar course of energy through his nerves as his hand moves up his thigh. He’s feeling it, like _ really feeling it _, he wonders mildly what Ryan’s feeling. While he does plan to dash right after, he doesn’t just want to get off in someone’s ass. 

“Are you- are you like, clean?” He asks, just because it’s a good question to ask, it doesn’t matter if his voice cracked halfway through like a 26 year old virgin about to get laid for the first time.

“Define ‘clean’.” Ryan asks, taking another drink from Shane’s cup before handing it back to him. 

“I mean do you have anything I should know about from like… dirty needles. Spit swapping. Dicks and the like.”

“I don’t do drugs I have to inject, I don’t have any STIs. But I am high right now.” 

“That’s fine, if you’re already tweakin’, it’s not my business. I just don’t wanna fuck someone who’s too stoned to know what’s going on. Let’s go.”

“Now?!” Ryan looks up at him, bewildered, like Shane had just suggested they hop in the pool the the one inconspicuous couple and have at it.

“No time like the present. They’ll let us use a room, I know the person who owns the house. Come on.” 

“How do you know them? I don’t even know them.” Ryan gets up and follows Shane across the patio to the permanently open sliding door. 

“Because.” The people seem to part for them seamlessly, inside the music can be felt through the floor and all the way up through their bones. They find an empty room upstairs, not so conspicuously after Shane exchanges a dime bag for a couple of hours of uninterrupted quiet. 

“I know them because I sell them drugs.” Shane opens the door and pushes it open, allowing Ryan to go in first. He follows and shuts the door behind them with a soft click, flipping the lock in place. 


	2. Take A Slice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I'm the treasure, baby, I'm the prize_   
_Cut me rails of that fresh cherry pie_   
_Shitty old pistola_   
_Shot a bullet through my wallet_   
_Gonna go to Pensacola_   
_Gonna fuck my way through college_
> 
> Ryan pays up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if it was obvious from the tags and the context of the first chapter, but people are doing drugs in this chapter.

There was something about the sound of the door locking and all the confidence just fell right out of Ryan. The softest little click and suddenly he was alone with someone he didn’t know very well. What was he doing? Is this what he’d become? Someone willing to sell themselves out for drugs? So maybe he’d sucked a few dicks for coke before, but he could hardly count that. 

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t his first rodeo.

But there he was, alone with this  _ Shane _ . He’d just been so desperate that he’d failed to consider a lot of things, like maybe the fact that Shane could be a giant perv. He didn’t look like a perv… 

Ryan couldn’t even see that clearly to begin with. 

He was already  _ tweakin’ _ , as Shane had so eloquently put it, he was having trouble recalling the whole conversation that lead up to this moment. Shane turned out to not be that easy of a steal, but god damn if he didn’t want what he came for. Ryan wanted more than what a dime bag could give him. He briefly wondered if there was a way to steal from Shane.

“What’s the matter? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Shane says. He slips his jacket off his shoulders and folds it neatly over an armchair. “You can still call this thing off, you know.”

“No.” Ryan says. He wants his fucking coke, and if that means he has to get fucked into next week by a stranger for it, then so be it. “Do whatever you want… just don’t pull my hair. Or choke me.” 

“That’s it?” Shane says with some faux shock in his voice. “The bar is so low for you little junkies, I’m almost impressed. Though truth be told… it turns me on more when I know my partner is having a good time. So tell me, what do  _ you _ like?”

Ryan sighed deep and hard. “I don’t care, man. I just want the coke.” 

Shane nodded, not satisfied with the answer. He wandered to where Ryan stood next to the bed, looking him up and down like he was inspecting him. Finally he stuck out a hand, pushing Ryan hard enough that he fell back on the bed with a soft  _ oof. _

Ryan looked up at him with heated eyes, propping himself up on his elbows. His heart was beating out of his chest like a hummingbird. Shane just kept… looking at him. Like he was trying to figure him out.  _ Why can’t you just get it over with? _

“You like foreplay.” Shane says finally, but still makes no move.

“Yeah. Everyone does.” Ryan responds. “No one likes going down a hot slide in shorts. Parties aren’t fun unless you show up buzzed. Same concept, but I’m not worried about it.”

“Mmmh, some people are too stupid to learn the art. What else...” He taps the toe of Ryan’s tattered Converse. “You strike me as one of those people that like to call their partner ‘daddy’ or ‘sir’.”

“No.” Ryan said flatly. He had some dignity he wanted to keep. 

“No, of course not, that was a joke. What you really like to call your partners is ‘papi’, because it not only turns you on, but fills some deep existential hole inside you. Probably felt it during your late teens… Probably when you first started partying.”

Ryan just scowled at him because, yeah, that  _ was _ true. And who was Shane to be exposing all nerves? He definitely wasn’t about to call Shane his damn  _ Papi,  _ Ryan just wanted his damn fix. 

Shane crawled over him, just barely hovering over him, Ryan watched him from the corner of his eye. He felt Shane’s breath next to his ear and tried not shiver.

“I’m not your daddy, and you’re being stubborn. Tell me what you like, glitter-boy. Because that’s what  _ I want. _ ” Shane rasped, his voice made hard from years of smoking. Ryan shivered anyway, it’s hard to not get turned on when he’s already halfway out of his mind. 

“Are you just messing with me? Are you even going to give me anything... like?” Ryan tried to look at him like he’s frustrated, but he just looked desperate. He should have asked for payment up front.

A small smile formed at the corners of Shane’s mouth, he got up with more energy than a crossfaded man should have. He stumbled to his jacket and pulled something out of the pocket, making sure was his back was turned to Ryan. Ryan sat up, watching him. 

He tried to peak but Shane kept the contents concealed in his hand until he was back in front of Ryan. Finally he unfurled the illicit item in front of Ryan’s face; his mouth went dry. 

“That’s way more than a dime.” He reached up to touch it but Shane pulled it out of his reach. 

“Well of course, I’m not gonna pay you for  _ sex _ with just a  _ dimebag. _ He pushed Ryan back against the bed, crawling back on top of him, still holding the bag in front of Ryan. “You gotta give your time more value, baby. You’re worth at least two… maybe three grams.”

Shane slid the bag in between Ryan’s lips, Ryan looked up at him with wide eyes. The look on Shane’s face got darker as his thumb traveled over Ryan’s upper lip. 

“You keep acting like .5 grams though, and it’s a massive turn off.” Shane worked his thumb in between Ryan’s lips and into his mouth, the bag fell down into his lap. He could feel the pressure of the bag on his leg, burning a hole through his jeans. “Need I remind you,  _ you asked for this.” _

“‘Mm Sorry…” Is all Ryan can manage to say, it sounds extremely garbled with Shane’s thumb in his mouth. Shane nodded, pulling the digit from Ryan’s lips and retrieving the fallen bag. 

“Take off your pants.” 

It was at that moment Ryan started to feel ashamed. As Shane eased off of him and Ryan kicked off his shoes, he realized what he was actually doing. And frankly, if he were a more honest person, he would have admitted that he was scared.

The way Shane watched him as he shuffled his shorts off, he felt the heat on his back. He kicked off the garment and sat back up, trying not to squirm under Shane’s stare. 

“Roll over. On your stomach.” 

Ryan did, slowly, pausing to glance at Shane because he didn’t like too much where the night was going. And then Shane was on top of him, he could feel his weight looming over him. Shane. Ryan almost jumped when Shane’s hands touched the skin of his lower back, pushing Ryan’s shirt up.

“Relax, Glitter-boy.” Shane’s hands continued to roam all over Ryan’s back, and he was gentle. He applied pressure in spots where tension had built up, it was all Ryan could do to keep from moaning. Ryan was nothing if not stubborn to the core. 

“I don’t want to hurt you… I don’t want to cause you any discomfort… you can still say no at any time.” Ryan swallowed, staring the sheets in front of him. His fingers fidgeted with the fabric, it was course and uncomfortable as all expensive things are. One of Shane’s hands moved to play with the muscle in Ryan’s neck before tilting Ryan’s head so he was looking at him from the corner of his eye. “You can tell me to stop at any time, but you don’t get the coke unless I finish, is that understood?” 

Ryan nodded and turned his head back to the sheets, waiting for whatever was to come next. Shane’s fingers were tracing waistband of Ryan’s underwear, he hooked a finger around it and pulled down, Ryan had to bite his lip to keep from hissing. 

“Make your noises. I want to hear them.” Shane said, adjusted Ryan’s hips so he could pull the garment all the way off, Ryan kicking them off the rest of the way so they fell somewhere on the floor. 

Ryan was wet, he could feel it. Just as well, it was far better than not being turned on at all, but he was embarrassingly wet, dripping almost. From a little touching and massaging? From a few heated looks and some authoritative words? 

Shane’s fingers caress him, and Ryan bit down on his lip to keep from moaning out loud. Because for some weird reason, he doesn’t want Shane to have the satisfaction of knowing that he’ll fall apart for just anyone. 

“I thought I told you to make your noises…” Shane muttered, his fingers finding that spot where Ryan wants to be touched the most. His fingers pass Ryan’s clit over and over. It takes all of him to just breathe, his whole body is rigid, thighs shaking as Shane continues to play with him. 

Shane teased Ryan’s hole a few times before inserting one… two fingers in. Ryan pitches forward, hissing into the sheets. “Fuck.” It’s the only thing that comes to mind, and Ryan is far too high to deal with his kind of intense pleasure. Not only had Shane found his g-spot right away, but constant pressure was almost overwhelming. He felt like his heart was going to explode.

Finally, Ryan moaned aloud, though it sounded more like a sob. 

“Like that?” Shane asked, and Ryan nodded vigorously. “Good.”

Shane began thrusting his fingers in and out, the sounds Ryan’s cunt made were just obscene, the slick squelch of fingers spreading him open. He caught himself leaning into Shane, trying to get as close as possible, so he could feel more. 

More…  _ more, more more, _ it was all Ryan wanted. He wanted  _ more; _ he wanted more powder, more high, more pleasure, more euphoria, more feeling, more numbness… Lord, he was a wreck. 

Shane withdrew his fingers and Ryan whimpered, disappointed until he felt Shane shuffle behind him, the crinkle of foil was most distinct. The room seemed quiet compared to the party raging beneath them, the music could barely be felt through the floor. It was almost as if the room were a vacuum, sucking everything else out except for them in that moment. 

Ryan kept his eyes forward, he wasn’t going to look because if he liked what he saw, he was going to want to go back, and that was the last thing he wanted. Shane was smug, a giant tease, and quite frankly a little bit annoying with his  _ cleaner-than-thou _ act. 

“You still want this?” Shane asked, and Ryan nodded. “I want to hear you say it.”

Ryan sucked air back into his lungs, and fuck,  _ was he crying?  _ He didn’t want to say anything because he knew exactly how he’d sound. But then Shane started petting his hair, smoothing his fingers down Ryan’s neck. And that’s when it hit Ryan, why he was so bothered by all of it. Shane treated him like Ryan was  _ his _ . He was treating Ryan like his partner. 

Ryan was untethered, and Ryan liked it that way. And for Shane to just crawl on top of him, for him to say a few sweet nothings while his fingers plunged in and out of him, for him to reduce Ryan to the quivering mess he was… Well, it irked him.

“Give me your consent, baby, I want to hear you say that you still want it.”

_ Baby _ . Damn that word. He fell to pieces at that word, anybody had him exactly how they wanted him at that word.  _ Baby… _

“I still want it.” Ryan manages to sniffle, but so help him God, he will not look back. 

There was the gentlest kiss to his neck, Ryan melted under it. Shane readjusted Ryan’s hips so they were lined up, Ryan kept his face in the sheets, cheeks burning red. He’d never felt… vulnerable like that before.

“Tell me if it’s too much.” Shane said, guiding Ryan’s hips toward his. Ryan nearly snorted, as if he hadn’t heard that before and was immediately disappointed right after. Every partner he’d had thought their the dick was the pinnacle, and it was laughable.

But then Ryan wasn’t laughing, because when Shane pressed into him, and he  _ felt it. _

“Jesus…” Ryan groaned, trying to adjust. He felt full. 

_ God, _ he felt so full, Shane wasn’t even all the way in him yet. There was burning and adjusting, something he hadn’t felt in a  _ long time _ , but he was feeling it now.

“That’s it…” Shane mumbled. He had one hand on the crease of Ryan’s hip, the other resting on his lower back, guiding him backwards. “Almost there…”

Tears blurred his vision, he wasn’t sure why he was crying, and he could barely fixate on anything other than how much Shane was spreading him apart. Shane stopped and gave Ryan some time to breathe, his arms were shaking from holding up his weight, now he lay ass end up, with his arms and face in the bed. 

Then Shane started to move, pulling out, pushing in. He didn’t move fast, it was almost as if he was trying to let Ryan adjust to fill and pull created from the tension between them. Ryan couldn’t deal with it, he couldn’t deal with how gentle Shane was. 

“Just— Can you just fuck me? Please?” Tears rolled down Ryan’s cheek, he had no idea what had him so upset all of the sudden, besides the thought that Shane was so gentle and kind to him. He should have been tearing Ryan in two like a 20$ whore.

The grip on his hips got tighter, Shane thrust with more intensity, pulled out a little farther. He could hear Shane’s breathing over the light smack of skin hitting skin. He was so wet that Shane had no problem slipping in and out of him. He was just so big, it was so much for his poor intoxicated brain to handle. 

“Oh fuck…” Ryan groaned, he felt it, deep in his gut. The impending feeling of climax, like it was going to spring right out of him if didn’t get it under control. He didn’t want cum yet, after all his flack about wanting to get it over with.

Shane fucked him faster, Ryan could barely breathe, it was like Shane was in his stomach. Each thrust kept hitting that spot, dead on everytime. 

And then Shane… that cruel bastard. He set that stupid bag of cocaine in front of Ryan’s face and started thrusting in harder. Ryan gasped, fingers clawing at the sheets. His prize, the whole reason he was there, sitting in front of him. He was too fucked out to even pick it up.

Ryan climaxed, one loud sob escaping him as his climax dripped down his quivering thighs. Each thrust after that brought a small cry from his lips as Shane continued fucked him raw, his body taking far too much stimulation. It was like his cells were crying  _ too much, too much,  _ but there wasn’t much he could do besides asking Shane to stop. And Ryan come too far to give up that stupid bag. 

Shane wasn’t far behind him, thankfully. Groaning as he came inside Ryan with slower, shallow thrusts. He stopped to catch his breath, leaning over Ryan, Ryan was quietly thankful for that. He lay there in a daze, staring at the bag of coke. 

Shane pulled out and stepped back, still breathing heavy. 

“Are you alright?” The question sounded harsh in the quiet of the room, the noise was jarring to his ears. Was Ryan okay? No. He wasn’t. He grabbed the bag with a shaky hand and sat up. 

“I’m fine.” 

“Good, good. I’m going to go… clean up.” Shane said, pointing to the bathroom. Ryan nodded, slinking to the edge of the bed. He found his underwear on the floor, and now he was going to be gross the rest of the night, but that was just another small fee to pay. 

He watched Shane walk away until the bathroom door shut, then he slid off the bed to get his shorts and shoes. His heart nearly stopped when he saw on the floor, his wallet clip had fallen out of his pocket. And tucked within that clip were several crisp hundred dollar bills. 

Ryan glanced up at the door again, before quickly putting the clip back in the pocket and pulling his shorts back on. 

Of course he had enough money to pay. He just didn’t want to. 

Shane probably hadn’t seen, but Ryan felt a little bit bad for lying. Then he looked at the bag of powder in his hands and he didn’t feel that bad, shoving it in his other pocket before pulling on both his shoes.

It was better to just leave, he didn’t need to stay to find out what Shane would say if he discovered Ryan lied. The transaction was over, Shane got laid, Ryan got coke, everybody’s happy.

He had somewhere else he wanted to be with someone else he’d rather be around. He left the room, shutting the door behind him as quietly as possible. The noise of the party surrounded him once again, and then he didn’t feel alone. 

Down the stairs he went, at the base of the steps was a bathroom, somehow miraculously unoccupied, though it was a wreck. He shut the door and caught his reflection, and for once in his miserable party life… he didn’t like what he saw. Normally the running eyeliner, the smudged eyeshadow, it made him feel good. It him feel dirty and wild and unhinged.

He looked at himself now and he felt stupid. Glitter everywhere but his eyes, the eyeliner smudged beyond fixing. That was who he was, staring back at him. He sighed, wiped away what he could until he didn’t look like he’d just had a breakdown, and fixed his hair to look more party tossed than sex tossed.

The bag continued to burn a hole in his pocket, he pulled it out and set it on the counter. Curiosity got the better of him, he didn’t want to wait.  _ What kind of shit is Shane selling, and was that whole ordeal even worth it,  _ he wondered.

He dipped a cautious finger in the bag, rubbing the dust along his gums. 

Numb… It felt so numb. He almost said “Whoa” aloud, it felt like he’d just knocked back a shot of pure wintermint. He reached into the bag again, this time with his index finger, pulling the powder up with his nail. He glanced at himself as though his reflection were watching him, judging him. 

Ryan inhaled, and there was the burn. The discomfort, all up and down his nose, but he shook it off, and he shook it out. The familiar feeling of something trickling down his throat returned, like a pixie stick with ten times the intensity. He did it a couple more times before sealing the bag back up and wiping his nose with his wrist, as if everybody there couldn’t tell he was higher than a kite.

He stood there for a moment, panting, his heart beating out of his chest. He could feel it, the energy starting build.  _ Oh fuck… _ he thought. He looked at his own reflection, his own big brown eyes staring back at him. 

Even if he wouldn’t admit it right there in that moment, he knew two things. 

First, that that was the  _ best _ cocaine he’d had in his life; and second, that he wasn’t even done with the bag and he wanted more. 

_ Oh fuck…  _ The only person selling something that good was Shane. Which meant he would have to go back and talk to him at some point. 

_ I’m in trouble. _


	3. Time To Pretend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I'm feelin' rough I'm feelin' raw I'm in the prime of my life_   
_Let's make some music make some money find some models for wives_   
_I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars_   
_You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars_
> 
> Ryan overdoes it. Shane saves his ass. They're both catching feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of drugs and drinking in this chapter.

Ryan felt every jitter in his body, every tremor in his hands. His palms sweat as he moved through the partygoers, stumbling into people like a drunkard. 

He found Brent in the basement, feet reclined on a coffee table. He was laughing with a group of people Ryan had probably met before, but he couldn’t quite recall their names. 

“Ryan!! Where you been my man?!” Brent raised his cup as he approached, Ryan stumbled around the other partygoers and landed in the seat next to Brent. He could barely hear him over the speakers. “Hey, what’s going on, you look like you’re hopped up on twelve different things at once.”

“I was getting  _ this. _ ” He pulled the bag out of his pocket and handed it to Brent, Brent being the only person he felt like sharing with. 

“Whoa,” Brent sat up looking at the bag. “Oh, That’s a lot. What did you do to get that— no, no, no,  _ who _ did you do… to get that?” He held the bag like it was delicate, watching as the grains tumbled around inside the plastic. 

“Doesn’t matter and the sooner I can stop thinking about it, the better.” Ryan’s nose wrinkled the way it always did when he was annoyed. The sooner he could put Shane out of his head, the sooner he could actually start to have some fun. Everything up until then felt like work.

“You gonna share, Ry?!” Someone yelled across the room. It’s more of a joke with a bit of open ended hope, but Ryan shot them down right away. 

“No way in hell I’m sharing with you!” Ryan turned back to Brent, ignoring the laughter that erupted from the other side of the room, taking the bag from his hands and opening it. “Here, try it.” 

Brent did as he was told, grimacing at how strong it was. “Jesus, dude. What  _ is that?” _

“I don’t know, but I did a little bit in the bathroom before I came down here, and it is… _ so good _ .” Ryan’s fingers trembled as he re-sealed the bag. “I wanna get a drink first before we do anything, I’ve had nothing to drink except earlier and that buzz wore off a while ago.” 

“Okay, okay, okay, fair. But I’m only gonna do one line, okay?” Ryan looked up at Brent like he’d just suggested they turn in early for the night. “I’m just trying not to overdo it, and you shouldn’t be over doing it either. You had me nervous at the last party.” 

Ryan sat there with restless leg syndrome for good second or so. He wasn’t in the mindspace of dialing anything back, after what he had to do to get that. 

_ You didn’t have to do anything you didn’t want to do.  _

Ryan shook the thought away. 

Besides, Brent was right. A few drinks, one rail,  _ maybe _ a second if he was feeling it. He did have a particularly close call last time he went out, but that only made him want to push his limits. 

“Okay, fine, do one rail with me. And then we can dance or drink or something.” Ryan puts the bag back in his pocket in the meantime. 

“Alright, I’mma go get drinks real quick. Are you in the mood for tequila?”

As if that was even a question. “Uh, duh?”

“Cool. You sit tight.” Brent got up, leaving his half empty cup in search of new drinks. Ryan watched him go, scratching the back of his ear. 

He took a moment to look at his surroundings, he hadn’t really been to the basement at that particular house before. Blacklights had been set up, casting any and all reactive surfaces in an eerie purple glow.

Two large speakers had been set up and were playing god knows what, at what seemed like full volume. There was so much noise it was almost quiet, like sound had reached its threshold and Ryan was floating with his head just above it. Ryan could get lost above the noise. 

There were a few people bouncing to the music, another table was also setting up rails of coke, laughing together. He couldn’t hear them, it was like their voices had become disconnected from their mouths.

The people dancing in his peripherals seemed more like specters than tangible people. He’d turn his head and they’d shift, never taking the same form.

Ryan realized he felt alone, the realization was a little bit more than he could handle, he looked around to see if anybody was watching him. He couldn’t see it but he felt it. People were always watching him. Prying eyes followed him everywhere he went.

He could hear his own blood pumping, he could feel the beat of the music through the structure of the furniture. It was like a stethoscope sounding in his ears and chest, a steady  _ Beat. Beat. Beat. _ His heart felt hollow, though it continued to beat quickly, each beat almost painful. He gasped, the air seemed to evade his lungs. 

He should talk to people, but Ryan was too anxious to talk to people, the only person he really knew was Brent. He could pretend all he likes that the people around him are friends, but at the end of the night, he was there to get seriously fucked up, and he didn’t want to do it alone.

_ In your pocket. _ He hoped it hadn’t fallen out. He dug around until he felt it, a little white pill. 

He looked around to see if anybody had tuned into the episode he was having, and when he was satisfied that now one was watching, he took the pill and drowned it down some of Brent’s leftover drink. 

One Xanny never hurt.

Where had Brent gone? How long did it take to get drinks? 

“You alright? You look a little out of it.” The sound of Brent’s voice burst his weird little sound bubble and all at once the party came back to him. Brent hands him his drink with some concern. 

“I’m fine, I just started thinking about my dad for a second.” Ryan lied. That was his second big lie that night, he might make a liar of himself. 

“Hey, forget that shit. You’re here now and you’re with friends. Lets do some fucking coke!” Brent held up his drink and Ryan tapped his against Brents. Brent usually knew what to say to make him feel better. 

Ryan knew how to make rows neat, and if Brent was only doing one line? He’s gonna make ‘em thick. Carefully he created two lines, doing his best to keep his hands from shaking. He wasn’t sure if he was shaking from the anticipation or anxiety, but either way he was about to put a stop to both. 

“Would you do the honors, my friend?” He rolled one of his Bennies into a short straw and offered it to Brent first, who took it with some delight. 

“I shall.” Brent leaned over and out of the corner of Ryan’s eye he saw a familiar shape move. He glanced over to see Shane, milling around in no particular direction. He was walking around a drink and a blunt back in has hand, talking to people, laughing. 

He didn’t like the mix of dread and anticipation that washed over him, watching Shane’s lean figure move around. Walking around in his acid wash denim and limited run Adidas, the nerve. 

Ryan didn’t get the chance to keep watching, Brent popped up faster than a jackrabbit, inhaling deeply. “Holy…” He said nothing for a moment, then finally looked at Ryan and grinned.

“I said god damn,  _ god damn! _ ” They said at the same time, falling over and laughing. Brent sniffed again and handed the bill back to Ryan. “Your turn, Mrs. Wallace.”

Ryan took it, laughing at Brent’s joke. “Okay, okay.” 

Just like in the bathroom, it burned. This time, it was like his entire head went numb, along with his chest. God damn, it hurt, it was like breathing in jagged ice. Ice that dripped down the back of his throat, drowning him in numbness. 

He felt nothing in his chest, and that was exactly how he wanted it. He laughed, he wasn’t sure what he was laughing at. Brent laughed with him, neither were laughing for any reason other than one had started and couldn’t stop. 

“I’m gonna die!” Ryan shouted over the noise, laughing so hard he had tears streaming down his face. “I’m a deadman now!” 

He rode the adrenaline rush and downed his whole drink. He felt nothing but numb, the atmosphere finally softened.

“I wanna dance!” Ryan shouted. 

“Let’s fucking do it, then!” Brent shouted back at him. Ryan stood up, but it didn’t feel like he was standing. He didn’t feel like he was moving but he was. The party was moving slow and he was moving lightyears faster. His sneakers moved in a purple blur, splashes of electric lavender passed his vision as he careened around people. 

His body moved through the air like he was walking in a pool, there was resistance and current pulling him this way and that way. He didn’t know how but he managed to stumble back up the stairs. 

Up stairs was where the energy was, upstairs was were people danced. The beat was so hard it could have shattered brittle bones, it could have shattered Ryan if he were made of glass. He felt completely unstoppable, he plunged into the crowd like he was walking straight into a wrecking ball. 

Dancing was an interesting term to describe the activities in that particular room of the house. There was music, people were moving, sweating, and if Ryan moved in time with them, there was the euphoria of synergy and moving as a whole. But nothing was precision, it was more or less jumping up and down, stumbling around, bump and grind if you had a partner. 

He wasn’t aware of time as it passed, he was barely aware of the people around him, but he was aware that he felt numb and that he liked the way he was moving up and down. The resistance of his body reminded him swimming out in ocean waves, where the tide met his shoulders and the wave crests passed his head. 

There was the sting of salt was in his mouth as he jumped. Up and down.  _ Up and down _ . Letting the waves carry him up and then set him back down again gently. The only thing missing was the cool wash of a breeze, the sound of wind whipping past his ears. 

He jumped, and closed his eyes, tears streaming down his face, because he felt numb, and felt whole. 

He felt happy. That seemed to be what was what was missing.

Glitter streaked down his cheeks like purple and gold foil. He felt like it melted from the heat of his body and dripped to the floor, staining his white converse.

And then Ryan felt that hollow, stethoscope-like beat in his chest again, and the real world came crashing back at him, a wave too big for him to handle, filling his nose and mouth with salt water. He stumbled around, floundering for stability.

He stopped in the middle of the floor, clutching his chest, trying to keep his heart from jumping out. The unpleasantness came back tenfold. He gasped for air, the intake stung his raw throat.  _ No, no, no, _ he thought as he made his way through the crowd, looking for the bathroom again. He’d since lost Brent somewhere, and he didn’t care. 

“Move.” He said gruffly as he pushed someone out of the way and shut the door behind him. There were cups all over the counter, some of them toppled over and onto the floor as he made room for another line. 

Starting over, the strong sting, the numbness, the heart beat. He gasped as he came back up for air. 

But nothing happened fast enough, so he made another line and cleaned it. He started to sink back into that feeling, but it came with an edge. Blood dripped from his nose. 

_ Coke’s gonna tear you apart in a few years. _

Shane’s words to him earlier came back to him. Ryan watched as it made it all the way to his upper lip before wiping it off. He stormed back into the party.

_ Drinks, drinks, _ he needed  _ drinks _ . He stumbled to the kitchen, which was a wreck but he found what he was looking for. He reached for a new cup, filling it with two shots worth of liquor. He didn’t know what he was drinking. He didn’t care, he just knocked it back. He poured a second cup and drowned that down for good measure. 

He coughed, wiping the excess off his mouth. The alcohol stung where his throat wasn’t numb. 

He stumbled back to the floor, it was moving in full swing. He jumped back in, hoping the waves would pick him back up where he left off. If the world was underwater, he was going to drown.

And for a moment, he found the synergy again. He found the flow. The rush of intoxication was damn near glorious, but so, so fleeting, like he was holding water in his hands and watching it drip through the cracks of his fingers. 

He felt his heart again.

_ This isn’t right. _ It was beating fast, so fast. Faster than he’d thought possible. His breathing was shallow, he tried to get air into his lungs, but oxygen dodged his intake. There were too many people in the way and there wasn’t enough air. 

There was nothing he could breathe in to stop the oncoming surge of darkness. Teal like india ink cascaded over his eyes, so it was thick and dark he could have choked on it. 

“Help” was all he could gasp before he fell to the floor.

\--- 

Shane had been about to abandon the party, he sold out of drugs, and everything was about to reach the critical point of  _ too much party. _ Everything, including him, was reaching the point of saturation and it made him feel sick.

It really hadn’t been much fun after Ryan ran off from the room, but Shane didn’t know what he was even expecting. Even he hadn’t planned to stick around. Something about Ryan’s big brown eyes had him entranced.

He had felt a twinge of hurt when he returned to see Ryan gone. Shane wasn’t a naive person, but in that moment he had been naive enough to think he’d want to stay. He was blissfully ignorant to think he would have been enough for Ryan.

That was dangerous thinking, the kid was a  _ junkie _ , for crying out loud. It frustrated him.

Shane should have fucked him from the front so he could have seen his face as he came. He should have fucked him rough and tossed him aside. The memory he had of Ryan tensing his fingers in the sheets and the arch of his back as he came was so… intoxicating. 

Now  _ that _ was a short lived hit he could savor. 

Shane had seen Ryan in the basement when went to make his final rounds, watching him clean a line of coke with a friend, and then he disappeared. Shane was stupid enough to want to pursue him, but then he saw Ryan breathe in that line of snow and he held back. 

Ryan was terrifying, and real; Shane wanted that. But it scared the shit out of him. 

Shane should have forgotten about him, but he couldn’t. He wanted to see him again. He liked his stubborn demeanor and standoffishness that hid deep running issues. He liked a hot mess. He liked the glitter on his face and he liked watching devolve into a wreck as the night went on.

So as it were, he was headed upstairs to say his goodbyes. He’d only just clasped hands with a barely dry Teej when they heard a collective “Whoooaaahhh!!” come from the dancefloor. The lights went on and the music went off.

Shane made his way over, and pushed his way through the crowd. Chatter from people quickly died down and turned into hushed whispering. 

He broke through to the center of the circle, and there lay Ryan. He was covered in a sheen of sweat, unconscious. Glitter ran down his face in streaks, the front of his shirt was starting to soak through with sweat. 

“Move.” Shane pushed people out of the way, kneeling over Ryan’s unmoving frame. His heart was beating rapidly, but just shallow enough to deny him oxygen. Shane quickly turned out his pockets, looking for other drugs that may have done him in.

“He’s had a lot to drink and he did like, a  _ big _ rail with me earlier.” Someone else came stumbling through the crowd, Shane recognised him as the person he’d seen with Ryan in the basement. 

“I think he may have done more than just that rail.” Shane muttered. 

Out of Ryan’s pockets came his phone, the now nearly empty bag of coke, a small bag of Xanax, and his wallet clip. Shane saw the money tucked in the clip, and anger kicked inside him.  _ You… little fucking liar. _

“Jesus he did a lot of coke.” Brent muttered under his breath, noticing the bag’s depleted content. “Is he gonna die?” He got down on his knees to look at his unconscious friend. 

For a moment Shane considered leaving Ryan there to choke, the brat had pretty much played him. No wonder he didn’t bother to stick around, he probably pegged Shane for an easy steal. 

He took a deep breath, got over himself and calmed down. “No. I’m gonna take him to the hospital.” 

He put Ryan’s wallet clip and phone back in his short pockets, put the drugs in his own pocket, and reached under Ryan to hoist him up off the ground.

“Ooh, he’s not gonna happy if he wakes up there…” Brent said, sucking air through his teeth. 

It irritated Shane, but he had to remember he was surrounded by extremely drunk people. There wasn’t much common sense in sight. 

“Because he’ll be happier when he chokes on his own vomit and dies?” Shane asked. He adjusted Ryan in his arms with a grunt and carried him outside. Brent followed him closely, stumbling here and there. 

Shane hoped the fresh air might breath a little life into Ryan, but he remained limp in his arms. 

“Which hospital are you taking him to? That way I can pick him up when I’m sober.”

“St. Jude’s, it’s about 10 minutes north of here. He’ll probably be fine, it’s just better to be safe than sorry. Open the door.” Shane stopped in front of the passenger side of his car. Brent scrambled to pull it open. 

Shane set Ryan in the seat, fastening the seat belt. His head was tilted away, he looked like he could have been sleeping on a long drive.

The door slams shut, Shane made his way around the front of the car, Brent caught a glimpse of the four interlocked rings at the crest of the car. 

“Jesus dude, who are you?” Brent asked as Shane got into the driver’s seat.

“I’m Shane.” He said, looking up at Brent before shutting the car door. The engine purred to life beneath him and he took off, wasting no time. He watched the scene get smaller in his rearview until it disappeared entirely. 

The car felt ridiculously quiet, he didn’t feel like listening to music. The sound of tire on pavement was the worst part. Something about the noise forced him to think, which he  _ really _ didn’t feel like doing. He was more concerned about Ryan's heart stopping in his car. He blamed himself, mostly. He should have said no, or given him less. 

Shane stewed even further about the money he found in Ryan’s wallet clip, why would he lie to him? 

Why was Shane even so bent about it? He should have known better. Perhaps it was the thought that Shane was doing something different, he treated Ryan different, so he hoped it’d be different. 

It hurts, Shane should have known better than to tangle with a client.  _ It’s what you get for being stupid, you get used when you don’t want to be used.  _

Shane was pulled out of his internal monologue when Ryan coughed suddenly, gasping for air as he sat up and slouched over. 

“Deep breaths, just breathe…” Shane tried his best to soothe. Sweat beaded at Ryan’s forehead as he choked and sucked in air. After several minutes of heavy breathing, he looked to his left and saw Shane, cool as could be given the circumstances. 

“Where you taking me?” Ryan rasped, still breathing heavy. He looked around at the car and out the window at the world passing him by. “Where are we going?” 

“I’m taking you to the hospital, you collapsed at the party.” Shane weaved around a couple of cars going too slow for his taste. 

He slowed down when he saw the grill of a cruiser headed the opposite direction, no lights but moving fast. Three cop cars pass, and he knows they’re headed to break up the party. He always did manage to leave at just the right time. 

“Don’t take me to the hospital.” Ryan plead with him. He rubbed his face with his hands, making the streaked makeup just about as bad as could be. 

“Are you fucking crazy? It’s a miracle you’re even awake right now!” Shane shouts, glancing at Ryan. He looked like a sad mess then, when all the fun was over and the real world came back to hit him in the face.  _ I should have left that stupid bitch on the floor. _

“I don’t want to go to the hospital, please don't take me there…” The look in Ryan’s eyes was so desperate, like he’d be giving up something he didn’t already give up. 

Shane scowled, squeezing the steering wheel. He was a damn idiot. He muttered under his breath. “No, no, no, I’m not having  _ your death _ on  _ my hands.”  _

Even though in a way, it already was on his hands. He sold him the drugs, it was his damn fault that Ryan was sitting in his car, sweating vodka, tequila, and cocaine. 

“I can’t believe this.” Ryan groaned. “You should have left me on the floor.”

“Yeah, I should have. You’re a liar, and a cheat, and a shitty fucking junkie.” Shane slammed on his breaks before he could run a red light, stopping just past the pedestrian crossing mark. “The only reason I picked you up off that floor was because I felt sorry for you, but you know what? Won’t make that mistake again.”

Shane heard a sniffle and saw Ryan bury his head in his hands.  _ Is this bitch really crying? _ Ryan didn’t cry loudly. He cried like he was trying to hide it, like he had been hiding it for a long time. The only give away was the occasional sniffle and his shaking shoulders. Shane sighed long and hard. He was being an ass and he knew it. 

He couldn’t even begin to imagine the kind of shit that was running through Ryan’s head at that moment. The cocaine high was long gone, and every issue he was dealing with was hitting him tenfold. 

“Listen… Just, go into the hospital with me, let them do a check up and make sure you’re not going to start seizing or something. Okay?”

Ryan lifted his head and nodded. He sniffed loudly, wiping his eyes with the palms of his hands. 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you, okay? You scared the shit out of me.” Shane hit the accelerator again, the lights outside passing them by like neon through a tube. 

“Can I ask you a question?” Ryan croaked, looking out the window. For all his bravado earlier that night, he sounded like a broken doll right then and there.

“Sure.”

“Why do you care what happens to me? It was in your best interest to get the hell out of there when I passed out, but instead you’re taking me to the hospital.”

_ Because I like you. _

“I don’t know.” Shane said. They said nothing else as they rode in silence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall can follow me on tumblr at heavymetalmothman
> 
> let me know what you guys think, comments are life.


	4. By Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Well, I'm cracking one open with the boys by myself_   
_And everybody thinks that I need professional help_   
_But I don't wanna think about that anymore_   
_And just because I woke up on someone's floor_   
_And asked, "Who the fuck am I?"_   
_I didn't know it felt good to cry_
> 
> -
> 
> There are consequences to Ryan's actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no drug doing or drinking in this chapter, but there are mentions. Also hospitals and mentions of overdoses.

There was always a moment for Ryan, right before waking up, where he wouldn’t be sure if he was dreaming or remembering something from a long time ago. 

He could see afternoon sun cascading through the shades of a window, pooling like gold on a carpeted floor. Slowly he blinked, the light was soft instead of harsh. The room glowed and was warm, wrapping around him like a soft embrace. 

Somewhere in the room he heard the sound of a sweet, soft, fluttering laugh. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. He couldn’t really see it, but felt like he was reaching his hand out to the sound. _ Mom… _

_ “Ryan, my little king…” _

He opened his eyes, and it was gone, just as fast as the stifled shutter on a lense. 

Suspended white-tiled ceilings met his vision and he blinked. Warm gold was exchanged for a bland teal, light could barely breach the thick curtains, much to the relief of his pounding head. 

He knew exactly where he was, he’d seen those tiled ceilings before. He lifted his wrist to see the plastic wristband wrapped around his arm, and he groaned. 

“Fucking... damn _ it _.” Ryan mumbled through chapped lips. His mouth was unbearably dry with a bitter, chemical taste, his tongue kept sticking to the roof of his mouth like paper pasted together. He tried to sit up, but the wave of nausea knocked him back down. 

“I’d take it easy if I were you.” The person next to him spoke, Ryan rolled his eyes to the best of his ability.

“I thought I told you not to take me to the hospital, Brent.” 

“I’m not Brent.”

Ryan turned to see just who he was speaking to. The tall, limber frame from the night before sat reclined in the visitors chair. One leg crossed over the other, phone in hand, his smug demeanor settled in everything he did.

“What are _ you _ doing here?” Ryan groaned. 

“I bring you to the hospital after you overdose and this is the thanks I get?” There’s the subtle click of his phone’s haptics as he locked the screen and sat up straight. He slipped a pair of clear frames off his face, nestling them on the v of his shirt before looking back at Ryan with the smuggest of smiles.

“I didn’t ask for your help.” Ryan growled. He tried again to sit up, this time succeeding. He felt each joint groaning, the dull pain in his back radiated through the muscles. He noticed there was no drip pinned into his arm. _ Wasn’t an overdose but it was near to it. _

“Well, I didn’t black out mid party, wake up in my car, beg me not to go to the hospital, then black out again.” Shane adjusted so he was resting his head in his hand, still smiling smugly at Ryan. “Mixing alcohol with cocaine? Do you have a death wish or something?”

“Thanks for the lecture. You can go now.” He knows his tone is waspish, but if Ryan were a much less reckless person, he’d have been serious and perhaps a bit nicer. But the truth was he _ did _ have a deathwish, and acknowledging it would be the first step to analyzing his problems, something he’d really rather not do.

“Fine. But I think you’ll be wanting something from me before you leave.” 

“And what exactly would that be?” Ryan all but spat at him.

Shane slowly reached into his pocket, pulling out Ryan’s wallet clip. He tossed it on the bed, where it landed with a soft _ thunk _ in between Ryan’s legs. 

Ryan’s blood froze in his veins. With shaky fingers, he picked up the clip. The one hundred dollar bills brushed like parchment against his fingers, staring back at him distastefully with cold, dead eyes.

“You went through my pockets?” Ryan finally asked, but the accusation held up like a tower of cards. 

“Oh, baby, don’t be like that.” Shane scoffed, watching the disgust spread on Ryan’s face. “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t ingest anything else last night, so yes.” 

“I’m not your—” 

“-Baby, I know. But you are… a liar.” He cut Ryan off, and finally, Ryan had nothing to say. Shane scoffed at the tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. “Oh, save me the theatrics. Like you weren’t gonna roll over and do the same thing tonight with someone else.” 

“Why do you care anyway? What does it matter?” Ryan rubbed his eyes with his palms and tried to untangle from the blankets. “You got your dick wet, you should be…. I don’t know. Over the fucking moon.”

“I had something you wanted, and you lead me to believe you had no other way to pay for it. You offered me sex… in exchange for drugs…” Shane lowered his voice. Ryan glanced at him from the corner of his eye and saw that his face was stony; all the hurt in the world glowed in his eyes but the sarcasm was gone. “I wouldn’t do that under normal circumstances, and you were just so… provocative. You manipulated me, and sweetheart, I don’t fuck with exploitive people.” 

“Thanks for the lecture, but I get it. You can go now.” Ryan swallowed the sobs trying to work their way up into his throat. He got up and started looking for his clothes, the hospital gown being just a little too roomy for his taste, one side already starting to slip off his shoulder. 

He sure as hell wasn’t going to stay and listen to a _ dealer _ lecture him on dishonesty and manipulation. And he _ really _didn’t like Shane telling him what everyone else in his life had been trying to tell him. He was fuming so much he didn’t hear Shane get up, he almost jumped out of his skin when he turned to see Shane looming over him. 

“If you ever try to drag me down to your level again… I can guarantee you wont like who I become. Don’t be so fucking selfish, and maybe think about the consequences of your actions once in a while.” 

Shane’s deep voice rasped as spoke, the warning cascaded over Ryan like cocaine dripping down the back of his throat. But instead of numb, he felt… _ bad _. Ryan gulped as quietly as he could staring back up at Shane’s angry, hazel eyes. Even if he didn’t have a snarky comeback, he was determined not to bend under Shane’s glare.

“Doesn’t feel good, does it?” Shane said, staring down into Ryan’s glassy brown eyes that were threatening to fill with tears. He pulled a bag of pills out of his jacket pocket and tossed it on the bed. “Your Xanax back, by the way. Figured you wouldn’t want the hospital tossing that out.” 

Ryan watched as Shane pulled the door open and strode calmly out of the room, hands in his pockets. His heart beat fast again, but this time he was angry. 

_ “Don’t tell me how to fucking live my life.” _ Ryan muttered under his breath, listening to Shane’s heavy footfall as he walked away.

He scowled as he pulled his clothes back on. They felt worn in and loose, there were streaks of glitter in his shirt and new tears in his jeans. His once pristine white converse were now dirty and stained. He quickly shoved the pills in his pocket and hurried out the door.

The wristband was just _ slightly _ too small in diameter for him to pull off his wrist, he sighed knowing he’d have to go home and cut it off later. He’d only add it to his slowly growing collection. He fumbled to check his phone on the way to the check out desk. The clock read 3:45pm, he sighed knowing the day was almost done. The 20% battery warning popped up, and Ryan huffed through his nose. _ Great, just great. _

There were an outrageous number of calls from Brent, he’d have to check in with him sooner rather than later. Poor hungover bastard was probably asleep at that moment, Ryan didn’t feel like having another confrontation right then and there, Shane pretty much having sucked out the energy he had left.

  


At the front desk he drummed impatiently on the counter with chipped, black-polished fingernails as the nurse entered his information accordingly, asking him this and that, would he like to make a follow up appointment, _ no thanks, thank you _. He caught sight of his reflection in a glass pane, the space under his eyes looked dark. There were remnants of eyeliner here and there, his hair was an absolute wreck. 

The nurse slid him his copy of everything, tucked within it were sobriety resources, a pamphlet with a smiling family laughing together. 

_ With sobriety, there’s hope. _

It only added another layer of annoyance for him, he didn’t even bother to look at them as he folded the papers in half and wandered outside to wait for an Uber. 

_ Sobriety... fuck off. _

His driver wasn’t too talkative, something he was thankful for as his head pounded and eyes ached from the glaring sunlight. The drive back to his apartment would have been peaceful if not for the nausea rolling in his stomach. He stared at the bottle of vending machine water in his hands, jostling this way and that within the confines of the plastic.

He didn’t like looking at the city during the day. People going this way and that, cars everywhere. People living a normal, happy life; living an _ adjusted _ life. There was so much resentment boiled inside him, it oozed out like a toxin, permeating everything. 

He wanted that happy life, but he felt like there was a massive wall in the way, that he was trapped in his own destructive cycle. He didn’t know how to break out of it, and leaving the comfort of what he knew was too terrifying to handle. 

People frequently offered a hand, and stubborn as he was he’d just pull them in with him instead of letting himself be pulled out. He’d lost too many friends to count.

The Uber driver let him off at the front of his unit, Ryan walked through the heat of the day to the door, shielding his eyes from the sun. Born and raised in the sunniest of cities and states, he could barely fucking stand it now. 

He lifted corner of the doormat up to pull a spare key out of the lining, a clever solution he and Brent had thought of incase they were so gone they’d lost their keys. Not so obvious as a key under the mat, lower likelihood of a break-in happening. 

The door refused to give right away, just crooked enough in it’s frame to get stuck. Ryan pushed against the doorframe with his shoulder, it finally gave with a groan. Ryan stumbled in and slammed the door shut behind him, tossing the key on the entryway table. 

He wandered in, the apartment was a cluttered mess. Cups here and there, clothing and jackets draped over furniture, classwork spread out on the counter space that was available. The sink in the kitchen was miraculously empty, though they never really made anything that required dishes. 

Ryan couldn’t remember the last time he actually ate something substantial.

Brent was passed out on the couch, probably would be for another couple of hours. Ryan stumbled to the kitchen and got a glass of water and set it on the table next to Brent. The Advil he’d have to find on his own, Ryan didn’t have the energy to look for it. 

From there, he wandered to his room, it was just like the rest of the apartment: a cluttered mess. Clothes all over his floor; some dirty, some clean. Water bottles and glasses cluttered his dresser, his eyeshadow left open with the brushes scattered haphazardly, half his full sized bed was taken up by coursework and clothes, leaving just a small sliver for him to sleep. 

His desk was cluttered with older coursework and paperwork, bills long overdue and fees needing to be paid. He took the scissors from the jar of pens and pencils and cut the hospital band off his wrist. 

Wandering back to his dresser, he set it in a ceramic bowl of bracelets and rings, nestled between two other wrist bands from dates not that long ago. His first real scare… and the time he swore he looked god in her face and asked “Why would you make me this way?”

Next to the bowl sat a picture frame. His young face, his brothers face, and his mother smiled back at him, laughing at the gulls on the beach that day. 

He could remember her laugh pure as day, bright as the sun. Her hair whipped out from under her large sun hat, shining in the sun. A tear rolled down his cheek as he looked at the photo. 

_ Why can’t I be happy again? _

His mother’s smile was sweet, but the warmth stopped at the glass of the frame, and was lost before it could find Ryan. 

He slammed the picture frame face down on the desk, incapable of looking at it any longer. He would have burst into tears, tears that need to be cried but had been backed up for too long. He heard it crack as it hit the wooden surface, his hand lingered over it for a moment before he jerked it away. Tears long overdue to fall slipped down his cheeks, Ryan wiped them away before running his fingers through his hair, looking around frantically at his room.

_ I need to do something about this. I need to fix this. I need to get my fucking shit together. _ But he didn’t do anything, too overwhelmed by the list that kept stacking, kept morphing and changing. He needed to clean, he needed to work on schoolwork, he needed to reach out to people. His phone was dying and it needed to charge, he needed a shower. 

It was like everything he had to do kept stacking against him, he had a pile in his hands and he didn’t know where to start. Normally he could just ignore it but now he looked everything, frustrated tears streaming down his cheeks, just wondering how he let everything get so bad. How did he let himself get so bad?

His brain finally settled on _ shower. _ One thing was better than no things, and it was at least a step in the right direction. Then later that night he could go out again, Saturday was bound to have some wild parties happening down the block. 

He stormed into the bathroom, brushing away tears as fast as they could fall. He wasn’t going to cry over people that didn’t want to see him, people he knew could care less if he wound up dead in a ditch. He shouldn’t cry over his wreck of a room that was his problem to deal with and at that moment, he decided yet again to not deal with it.

The water cascaded into the tub from the shower head, Ryan peeled off his sweaty clothes and stepped into the scalding water. After a while he wasn’t filthy anymore, he could feel his tears mixing with the shower water, he was just standing there, completely out of his head.

He could put on his glitter, he could get fucked up, he could steal from drunk college boys and make them pay to use him in all the ways he hated. He could throw up and feel better, and then get fucked up all over again, wake up the next afternoon and what happened the night before. 

_ What had happened the night before? _

Ryan remembered trying to pawn himself. He remembered sitting down with Shane, and dear God that’s where the night’s mistake started. 

He’d put his arm around Ryan like he was his. Handed him his blunt like he was sharing with a close friend. And when Shane took him up to the bedroom… he was gentle with him. Kind, if not subtley controlling, in a way; and damn if that wasn’t such a low fucking bar for Ryan. 

Kindness. People treated him like shit, so he turned around and treated other people like shit. 

So lovingly had Shane’s hands been on his back, he’d taken the time to make sure Ryan felt good, that Ryan wasn’t uncomfortable. Ryan had been so concerned with his next hit, he’d disregarded it almost entirely. He’d resented the intimacy, the kindness. He’d wanted him to just get it over with, because he couldn’t deal with the closeness of it all. 

The fact that a _ drug dealer _ had been the kindest person to him since Brent, and the only person who’d ever been so bold to give him the piece of mind Ryan so desperately needed but so vigorously fought, the only person to ask him what he wanted, what he liked… it hit him as only a stone cold realization could. 

Ryan was never going to get that back.

It hit him right in the ego, he sank to the floor of the tub and sobbed until the water turned cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will probably be mostly from Shane's perspective, i've been kind of favoring Ryan a bit but like, can you blame me? He's my favorite boi.


	5. He's My Collar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I don't take her number, just don't think I'd call her_   
_I take her down to somewhere drab and naughty_   
_I clear my system, I don't need no other_   
_This is my persona, secret lover_   
_(She's my collar)_
> 
> -
> 
> Shane doesn't listen to his better judgement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE TAGS HAVE BEEN UPDATED.

Shane dodged in and out of traffic, avoiding slow-goers and limit followers while ire tainted his vision, driving well over the speed limit with reckless abandon. 

He shouldn’t have stayed, he should have listened to his better judgement and ditched Ryan at the hospital. No good deed went unpunished, and Shane felt more punished than ever that hot afternoon. 

_ What do you care? _ Was the confrontation just as sweet as he imagined it? No, in fact he felt shittier, shitty for the way he left things, and shitty for what he said. He felt completely irrational, caring in the first place.

And just what exactly was he going to do if Ryan tried to play him again? Hell, it was beyond unlikely he’d ever cross his path again, it was a big city. Lots of parties. Lots of schools. 

The only reason he stayed in the first place was so that stupid junkie wasn’t alone when he woke up. Shane hated that thought, the feeling of fear and not knowing exactly where you are or how you got there. Not knowing what happened, and trying to find a way home.

But then Ryan woke up and right off the bat he was pissy, and Shane just…. Snapped. 

He’d imagined it going different in his head. Frankly, he wasn’t sure what he’d been imagining, at the very least a less sarcastic ‘thank you’. He didn’t fall asleep in that uncomfortable chair only for Ryan to order him out the second he woke up.

He felt like a total dumbass, because despite being played, despite the fact that that little fucker manipulated him like that, he still liked him. 

He  _ still cared. _

He felt so fucking stupid, he gripped his steering wheel and dodging around a Camry to take an exit much faster than advised.

It bummed him even more that he might not see him again. He’d never know what happened to doe-eyed Ryan with a big mouth and bigger issues. He could only hope he wouldn’t wind up dead in a ditch two months from then.

Shane stewed in his own resentment, mostly he resented himself for getting attached, because that’s what Shane did. 

He’d keep his distance and played the part of a detached person to avoid getting hurt. But as soon as he made an exception for someone,  _ as soon as he opened up, _ he got hurt. Someone would take his heart and crush it underfoot, grinding the pieces to a fine powder with a cruel smile on their lips. 

And he wondered why he still bothered.

As if it was some big fucking favor, wasn’t like he donated a goddamn kidney.  _ Maybe next time, don’t sleep with your clients, and definitely don’t take them to the hospital when they O.D. _

Shane finally arrived at home, and thank god for it, too. He felt so weary as he parked in the garage beneath the building. He sighed, letting the elevator take him up to his floor. 

He liked the feeling of going up, the push of gravity and the pull of the floor beneath him. The subtle moment of weightlessness when the elevator stopped. He could imagine for a moment he was the moon, caught between the pull of the earth and the sun, with nothing to do except orbit everyone else.

He strode a just a little bit lighter, flipping his keys in his hand. The door swung open easily for him, he shrugged his jacket off and hung it on a hook by the door. He could hear the sound of TV from the living room.

Tj sat lazily on the couch, watching Game of Thrones with a bored expression. He noticed Shane wander in, watching him toss his keys on the coffee table. 

“So did your little escapade last night go as planned?” 

Shane settled into the couch with a soft groan, some of his fatigue planting roots in the sofa’s fabric. He looks at Tj with some resignation.

“Which one, when I got to the party or when I left?”

“When you got there. Saw you talking to Bergara the Slut.” Tj didn’t even glance away from theTV. 

Shane, who up until that point had been watching pointless gore with a bored expression, turned to look at Tj.  _ Original ass nickname, that’s for damn sure. _

“Who now?”

“Bergara the…” Tj trailed off as he took in the bewildered look on Shane’s face; he smirked knowingly. “Oh. You don’t know.”

“What don’t I know, why is he Bergara the Slut?” Shane tried to play dumb, but Tj’s offhanded question gave him anxiety. 

“If you don’t know….” He said, pulling something up on his phone before handing it to Shane. “Then you don’t know.” 

Nudes. 

They were nudes; Shane thumbed through them slowly, looking in disbelief at the photos. 

He wanted to believe they were someone else’s, but the curve of his back and the dusted jawline were so familiar. He hadn’t seen Ryan shirtless from the front, so the raised scars on his chest looked unfamiliar, but not out of place.

“He sent these to you?” Shane asked, hoping for clarification. 

“No man, I’d have to be an idiot to tangle with him. Someone else showed them to me once. They’re probably leaked.” 

Shane quickly handed the phone back, he didn’t want to look at something that Ryan hadn’t intended for other people to see. Still, the anxiety rolled in his stomach as he thought about it. His curiosity got the better of him, he turned to Tj.

“So, why do you know about him then?” 

Tj chuckled, turning the TV down so he could speak. “He’s notorious. There is nothing he won't do for money or drugs, he’s always at the parties looking for a bite. You didn’t… you didn’t give him anything did you?”

Shane looked back at the TV, scowling. “No.” 

“Aww, you did...” Tj chuckled and turned back to the TV. “That’s his game, dude. He’ll play innocent until he gets what he wants, or he’ll play it nasty depending on who you are. There’s also a rumor he’s got a sugar daddy over in Calabasas and that’s how he keeps his bills paid. Real big real estate tycoon or something.” 

“Even if that’s his thing… How’s it my business? He wanted coke, he told me he didn’t have money. And it’s my business what I trade with clients.” Shane felt a little annoyed with Tj, but when didn’t he? Tj’s whole personality orbited around being abrasive. 

Shane’s response pulled a genuine laugh from Tj. He paused the episode and turned to look at Shane.

“ _ Clients _ , right. And the guy that sells  _ you  _ coke isn’t skimming off his bosses cut, right? Listen, trouble follows that kid wherever he goes. And I know you, Shane. You get all invested. You pretend to have this cold exterior but as soon as someone bats their eyelashes at you, you melt for them because you’re a big sappy dork hiding behind RayBans and a denim jacket. And I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

Shane furrowed his brows, listening to everything Tj was saying, and as much as he hated to admit it. He was right. 

“I’m not sappy… Great. I was already feeling shitty for taking him to the hospital, and now I’m feeling  _ extra _ shitty.

“Yeah, why did you do that? He was hopped up on  _ your  _ drugs. You were asking for trouble, man.” 

“I don’t know… I think in my head I imagined he’d wake up and be like ‘oh you care about me’? I dunno.” 

“Bitches love a stupid man.” Tj hummed and turned the TV back on, clearly done with their discussion. What else was there to say?

Shane got up from the couch and wandered to his room, retrieving a thickly rolled blunt from his pocket. His room was dark, curtains blocking out the late afternoon sun. The glow of the lighter in his hands was orange to match the sunset. It was the only thing there to illuminate his face, shedding light on his disgruntled expression. 

He wandered back into the living room, contemplating with the blunt perched between his lips. 

It didn’t hit like it used to, he didn’t feel as mellow and relaxed as he used to. He felt like a man with a little less anxiety, at that point the smoking was more of a comforting habit for him. 

He stood, and stared. TV didn’t interest him, he didn’t have the energy to make something to eat. A nap was really what he wanted, so he wandered back in his room, kicking off his shoes before falling on his bed. 

He looked around at his meticulously clean room, even being slightly irritated he’d mussed up his coverlet in favor of flopping on the bed like his energy was zapped from him. He plucked the blunt from his lips and set it in the ashtray on his nightstand, pulling out his phone. 

_ Don’t you do it, _ His brain told him, but he did it anyway, pulling up Instagram with a shaky hand. The cursor phased on and off in the search bar, beckoning him to type his query.  _ It’s not your business, and you promised Teej you’d leave it alone. _

The sigh that left him was both one of resignation and disappointment, because as he typed in those seven letters he knew he was making a mistake. 

Several accounts popped up, he thumbed through them, searching, looking. Then he saw it, the familiar set of lips curved into a soft smirk. The dark stubble on his jaw, perfectly set teeth, Shane tapped the user only to find that the account was locked. 

_ Of course it is. _ It made Shane all the more curious, but he wasn’t about to follow after the fiasco he’d had that afternoon. 

The amount of cognitive dissonance it took to tell your drug dealer to fuck off after he hauled your ass into the hospital was…. astounding. What was more astounding was that Shane took him at all, and for what? Nothing. 

He was back to square one where he should have stayed. 

He locked his phone and tossed it somewhere on the bed, sighing to himself. Fatigue tugged at his eyelids, it was no surprise when he found himself drifting off. He turned to his side with a soft grunt and sighed, allowing the subtle tide of unconsciousness to settle over him. 

It wasn’t a fitful sleep, somewhere in the back of his mind, there was something that didn’t feel satisfied. He sighed before finally succumbing, the last thought on his mind being  _ what a damn life. _

\---

  
  


Shane found himself at another party, not surprisingly. He didn’t have a better way to spend Halloween, but being there felt like more of an obligation than anything else. Every bone in his body told him to turn around and go home as he sluggishly made his way through groups of people.

He should have stayed home. He should be watching shitty, old thrillers on Shudder with a huge bowl of cast-iron skillet popcorn, wondering why in god’s name anyone would make a horror film about evil sentient frozen yoghurt. 

He wasn’t having fun. It didn’t help that he was alone, Tj apparently had better things to do that fine Saturday evening. 

He wandered instead, from room to room, blunt and drink in hand, taking in the green, orange, and purple decorations, the the blacklights that made him nauseous and the purple that reminded him of a better night rather than the ghouls and monsters that haunted him now. 

He didn’t even really have anyone to talk to besides the host, and that wasn’t necessarily someone he wanted to spend his time with. 

Regardless of that, he found himself wandering back to that small group of people. They’d be wanting another fix soon, and Shane wasn’t about to miss out on an opportunity to sell. He made himself content by sitting and watching, listening to the conversation, acting like a general wallflower; a wallflower that was far too old to be on that particular wall, starting to become dull and yellow with age. 

_ Christ _ , he thought. He really should have just stayed home and watched a movie. He could be looking for someone just young enough to make him feel a little bit alive for a moment, but he wasn’t in the mood. 

Frankly, Shane was rarely in the mood, though he made his exceptions. He didn’t fuck recklessly, or so he told himself.

He watched the door lazily, not really caring who came or went, watching some stumble around. He just people watched until that familiar face walked in… the face Shane both dreaded seeing and desperately hoped to see.

He still looked like a less than dignified chaos, Shane audibly groaned. His bare arms were visible in his loose cut muscle hoody and seriously,  _ what the fuck was the point of those stupid hoodies? _

Damn if he didn’t make them look good though, especially paired with pale skinny jeans he could see almost everything in, hugging every curve and turn of his spectacular figure. Shane was pretty sure he could slip a quarter in his pocket and be able to tell if it was heads or tales. 

The packed glitter under his eye sparkled from where Shane was sitting, black paired with a vibrant orange he could only think to describe as ‘pumpkin blood’, a rich shade of vibrant orange. 

He wondered if Ryan bled glitter and cocaine. He wondered if it would fizz if he poured vodka and sprite all over his flushed, bronze skin. He wondered if Ryan would break if he bent him over the nearest surface. He looked like a mess, and Shane wanted to clean him clear off the nearest table.

Shane started to get up. He figured he’d get slapped but he seemed to be glutton for consequences these days, so why the hell not? If everything was such a god damned free for all, he’d take what he could. 

He was running his fingers through his hair when someone else approached Ryan, someone with far more muscle and a bad fucking attitude that showed in every heavy footfall. Shane could feel it from across the room, his sudden burst of bravery quickly trickled out through his shoes and on to the dirty floor. He faltered, and then sat back down, but he didn’t take his eyes off them. He didn’t like what he saw. 

Ryan’s face was pleasant, but his body language spelled out caution, taking a hesitant step back from the man. The man was taller, stronger, and broader than Ryan, and if Shane’s fine handiwork had any impact, the bigger man was on a serious powder bender. The smirk on his face told of a particular bone he wanted to pick, and Ryan looked incredibly hesitant to let him pick at it.

He couldn’t hear what they were saying, he watched as the man got closer in Ryan’s personal space, physically backing him against a wall. Ryan looked more uncomfortable, shaking his head to what the man was saying. 

That seemed to be a poor decision. Shane all but bolted from his chair when the man grabbed Ryan by the throat. Ryan’s eyes widened, his hands flew up to the fist around his neck.

Shane was already standing and ready to pull him off, not even sure what he’d do to fight a man who clearly looked like he was capable of snapping his arms with little effort, when Ryan said something else. His lips trembled with each word, but the fingers wrapping his throat loosened one by one. The man’s grip dropped, slipping behind Ryan, leading him away as they turned and left the room.

Shane sat back down, sickened by what he’d seen, crawling at the sensation of foreign fingers caressing what wasn’t even his. He shouldn’t have been surprised, but it didn’t make him any less angry. He’d seen violence before, but it had never bothered him so much before. The momentary fear in Ryan’s eyes haunted him, and after that Shane just couldn’t sit still. He itched to punch someone.

Shane was full of restless energy, he could tell his vibe was putting people off. The host of the party, despite having less than virtuous qualities, did have the decency to ask if he was okay. 

_ Am I Okay?  _ He thought. No, he wasn’t okay. Five minutes ago Shane had wanted shield that stupid junkie from all the horrors of the world, and  _ he didn’t even try to get involved.  _ He had to remind himself that this was Ryan’s world, and that he played a very dangerous game every night, as did Shane.

Shane just couldn’t deal anymore, he shook his head. “I’m feeling under the weather. I’m gonna to dip.”

The host just nodded, understanding. “Well thanks for coming, man. Hope you feel better.”

Shane nodded and excused himself. He lit his second blunt for the evening and strolled through the house, sticking to the quieter corridors and the edges of the rooms. He stayed where the energy could only lap at his frame, and not roll straight through his body, crashing through his queasy vitals.

He didn’t expect to see Ryan again, let alone sitting in a heap where others could barely see, quietly but obviously trying to hide the tears that were falling. He stopped to look at that pathetic heap of a person, crumpled and shaken.

Shane looked down at him, Ryan looked up defensively when he realized someone was looking at him. 

Shane could see what had happened, it was written all over his tear streaked face, set in the pouty frown of his swollen lips, and tangled in the locks of his mussed up hair. There was no confidence in the way his eyeliner ran, no visual trophy for him to show off that night. 

Wordlessly, Shane handed him his blunt.

Ryan took it, with a shaky hesitant hand. 

“Thanks.” His voice sounded raw and broken, Shane doubted it was from the crying. He rasped like he was spent from everything short of talking. 

“Go home.” Shane stated plainly, slipping his hands in his pockets. For once, he was about to take his own advice.

“I don’t want to go home.” Ryan breathed, and shakily pulled a drag off the blunt. He smoked like he still wasn’t used to it, grimacing a little. 

“I know.” Shane said and began to walk away. “That’s why you’re an idiot.” 

He didn’t stay to watch Ryan’s reaction, it was neither the time nor place to tear him a new one, nor did he really feel like it. He made his way out the front door, stepping around other partygoers. 

He made it maybe two thirds of the walkway before he heard Ryan yell after him. 

That fateful, stupid, lilted voice. Shane stopped and turned like a dog being called. Ryan caught up to him, though it was clear once he was in front of Shane he lost some of his confidence. Shane didn’t consider himself intimidating, especially in passing. He had ripped him a whole new one not even a week prior.

“Look, if you’re just gonna yell at me for calling you an idiot, you can save it. I don’t really care.” Shane did his best to look as unimpressed as possible. It certainly didn’t stop his heart from beating faster. Ryan shook his head, trying to think of something to say, he looked at Shane with something just short of desperate. “I’m out of drugs, if that’s what you want.”

Shane turned and started to continue back to his car.   
  
“I don’t want that right now.” The words tumbled from Ryan’s mouth in a jumble. The blunt was bent between his fingers, burning slowly. Shane stopped again, uncurling his fingers.

“Then what do you want?” Shane pivoted back around. He was hardly in the mood for games. He wasn’t in the mood to guess either, and it peeved him even more that Ryan couldn’t just come right out and say what he wanted when he wanted something. 

“I-I don’t know.” He said, his shoulders sagged.

Shane scoffed humorlessly, they more or less stood there looking at the ground until Ryan spoke again. “Can I go with you?” 

Those were dangerous words spoken from a dangerous tongue, and Shane knew damn well he should say no. Ryan looked like he’d laid himself bare in front of Shane, and all he’d done was ask for company. 

“I don’t know. Are you high?” 

_ Who’s the idiot now? _ His thoughts mocked. 

Ryan looked at the blunt in his hand and shrugged. “Not really.” 

_ Impressive, _ Shane nodded. 

“Look, I get it. I’m probably the last person you want to be around, but I don’t want to stay here and I don’t want to be alone.” Ryan pulled the last drag off what was essentially just a roach, flicked it to the ground, and crushed it under his heel. 

“You’d be surprised.” Shane muttered, turning to continue his trek to his vehicle. “Come on, before I find a different person to take home.” 

He didn’t bother to look back, he wouldn’t so much as glance at Ryan until he got into his car and heard the slam of the passenger door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor Ryan man... 
> 
> well I'll tell yall now that the next chapter gonna have more smut, gonna have that good good. 
> 
> idk man. So much time passes and I'm too lazy to write down my story plots. We'll see if this doesn't end terribly, but we're a ways away yet.


	6. Love Is All You Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _So we carry on, even as a pawn _   
_ Think about giving it all that you got _   
_ Just like a girl I know, just like a girl you know _   
_ And from the boy is true _   
_ They say love is all you love _
> 
> -
> 
> Shane and Ryan blow off some steam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fans of smut with angst will be psyched.... this chapter is rated E for Explicit. 
> 
> Some weed smoking but no major drug usage in this chapter.

The road markers passed like dots on the lonely road, Shane sped through the streets as fast as he could without pushing it. It was nearing midnight, the moon had fully risen and cast light from the clear sky. 

Of course, Shane wasn’t paying attention to how crisp and clear the night was, he was stressing about the extra presence next to him. The subtle bass from the car speakers wasn’t soothing like it usually was, there was too much of a cloud hanging over both of their heads. 

“So what did Muscles McGee want with you earlier?” Shane finally asked, quiet enough that the question would have gone unanswered if Ryan hadn’t heard him. 

Ryan looked out the window like he’d rather not be thinking about it. Shane felt bad for even asking. 

“I owed him a favor.”

“For what?”

“Drugs.”

“Oh.” 

That was right about the moment when Shane seriously regretted letting Ryan into his car. It was one thing to fantasize about what might happen if he did. It was another thing entirely to sit next to him and be nervous in his own fucking car, drumming his fingers on the wheel. Shane  _ never _ drummed his fingers on the wheel. 

“Where are you going?” 

Ryan stared out the windshield with a glazed expression, he didn’t look like he cared all that much. For all Shane knew, Ryan might pass out on his couch the moment they got to the riser, and Shane would have been both relieved and disappointed at the notion. 

At least he was calmer than the last time he’d been in Shane’s car. 

“My apartment.” Shane said, cutting a left turn a little too sharp. 

“Oh, I get to see where a self righteous prick like you lives, huh?” 

“You know, I can still kick you out of the car and leave you on the side of the road.” 

Shane eyed Ryan where he sat, he had a self-satisfied smirk on his face. The crooked grin with the messiness of his hair was all it took to snare Shane. It was a look Shane wouldn’t mind seeing more of. Lord knew he wanted to be the reason that hair was messy.

“You won’t kick me out of the car.” Ryan’s smirk grew a little bit more.

“Oh yeah? And how do you know that?” 

“I just know.”

Ryan looked at him like he knew  _ everything,  _ and it scared Shane. 

There was a sudden clarity in Ryan’s hazy eyes and all at once Shane remembered who he was dealing with. A doe eyed, coked up little punk. A coked up punk that liked to push and push, pushing everything to the point where it was tipping on the edge. 

A Tinsel Town fever dream.

If Ryan knew that he could walk all over Shane… well. That wasn’t any good. He shouldn’t have said yes _ ,  _ and it really was too late to kick him out of the car. More to the point, Shane didn’t want to kick him out.

Ryan made himself busy on his phone, scrolling mindlessly through a cluttered instagram feed. If nothing else, he was just keeping his hands and eyes busy. 

Shane wasn’t unaware of the sideways glances Ryan kept casting in his direction, looking at him like he wanted to ask him something. Most of the boldness had been cleaned out of him that night, it left Ryan looking tired and emotionless.

They arrived at the apartment far too soon. The charged air between them should have floated up and out when the doors opened, instead it hung over their heads like a heady cloud of excitement and dread. Not even the slam from the passenger door could shake it away. 

Shane said nothing as they went in, only motioning to the door so Ryan knew which way to go. 

It was late. Shane felt alone in the hall despite Ryan being close behind him. Close enough to reach out and clutch his hand if he so desired, but Shane knew he wouldn’t. Ryan was far too independent, even for himself. 

Shane hoped Ryan couldn’t see the way his hands shook as he unlocked his own door. He’d never been shy about visitors, and Ryan was no different than the dozens of others over the years. 

_ You know that’s not true. _ Even as the door swung open and the yellow light streamed into the hall, Shane knew it was different. Ryan held a special power over him that others never had.

“Wow…”

Ryan didn’t sound all that impressed. Shane glanced at him as he toed off his shoes, watching him take in the layout of his living space with an apathetic gaze. 

Ryan finally looked back at him and snorted. 

“You would have a plant on the coffee table.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know... It does seem like your style, but this isn’t the apartment of a drug dealer.”

“Why don’t you say it louder, I don’t think the whole floor heard you.” Shane scowled.

The smirk in the corner of Ryan’s mouth grew wider. He turned away, stepping further into the living area. 

“Don’t be such a tightass, nobody cares. And even if they did, these walls are probably soundproofed.”

“I don’t want to test that theory.” 

The sharp sound of his lighter combusting was the perfect accent to the words he’d practically spat out. It was the soft sound of his blunt burning that calmed his frazzled nerves. 

“You don’t, huh?” Ryan was already trying his patience.

He took a few, very decisive steps in Shane’s direction. His hands were in his pockets but his eyes were certainly not keeping to themselves, giving Shane a very obvious onceover as soon as he stopped in front of him. 

Shane was frozen, paralyzed in that spot as Ryan pulled the blunt from his lips, and Shane just  _ let him _ . Without even a please or a thank you. 

Shane watched like Ryan had taken the air with him, sucking it into his lungs with the heavy, white smoke. And suddenly Ryan was cradling Shane’s face with gentle, shaking hands, the blunt perched in the interval of his index and middle finger. 

“I think you do.” 

Ryan exhaled as he spoke, just a whisper lost in the fog that surrounded them. He placed a delicate kiss on Shane's lips; Shane could feel how chapped they were from the night, how his bottom lip trembled just so, and how the stubble on Ryan’s jaw scratched with his own. 

Then Ryan was leaning away, selfishly taking the air with him again. He handed Shane his blunt back and turned away like the scratch of his jaw and the caress of his fingertips hadn’t just ignited a fire in the living room. 

Ryan ignored fire as he walked further into the apartment, spreading the flame with each step that he took. He approached Shane’s door, and glanced back at Shane for permission. Shane nodded lazily like he didn’t care, like he was doped up on Ryan’s touch alone.

He wanted Ryan to push the door open. He’d follow him in there like he was on an imaginary rope. 

Ryan did open it. He pushed the white wood open and cautiously ventured inside. Shane slid his jacket off and left it hanging over the couch, following Ryan into his own room like it was someplace unfamiliar and strange. And in a way, it was; like Ryan walked in and changed the geography of everything, because that’s what Ryan did. 

He changed…  _ everything. _

Shane leaned against the door frame and watched Ryan idly flip through a crate of records. He’d left the light dim, just bright enough that he could see, but dark enough that his intentions were clear. Shane wondered how long he could pretend like he was ignoring his signals, how long until Ryan got fed up and either pushed him on the bed himself or left.

“Are you just gonna stand there and look at me?” Ryan peered up at him, his face was smoldering. 

“Why did you ask to come with me?”

It really was not the time for 20 questions, Shane knew he should be flinging Ryan on the bed and smothering him with kisses. He should be leaving trails of blooming purple bruises down Ryan’s neck so that anyone after him knew he’d been claimed. He should be raking his fingers down his back and grabbing fistfulls of his dark hair.

Shane should be doing a lot of things but he was just standing there, doubting himself.

And that was the big problem, He couldn’t claim Ryan if Ryan didn't want to be his. Lord knew how much Shane desperately wanted it. He was greedy, and he  _ wanted it _ . He wanted Ryan all to himself, all the ties that bind and the barbed wires that pricked and scratched. 

“Do you want me to leave?” Ryan looked at him, almost disappointed.

“No…” Shane breathed. 

His hardened facade fell away. Vulnerability flickered like a feeble pink flame between them, leftover from the wildfire raging in the living room. Shane knew he was making a mistake. 

Ryan preyed on vulnerability. Even if most people were good at hiding it, Ryan pried it from their hands and ran with it. Ryan didn’t even know how much of a drug he really was, taking back double what he was owed. Shane may as well have held out his beating heart in his hands and watched Ryan snatch it away with selfish intent. 

It was one thing they had in common, they were both greedy, needy, empty people. Trying to take what they believed to be theirs. 

“I just want to know what we’re doing here.” Shane said, with a serious tone to his voice.

Nothing wrong with laying out a few boundaries. As if he wasn’t going to step over them later. 

Ryan had had enough of the semantics, he huffed and looked at the bed. “Do you want to fuck me or not?”

_ God, yes. _

How eloquently put. 

Yeah, Shane wanted to fuck him. But he wanted more than that. He wanted Ryan to fuck back, he wanted Ryan to want it like he did. He wanted mutual exclusivity, a promise that they wouldn’t fuck anyone but each other. Shane would give Ryan anything he wanted just for that privilege.

“Yeah…” Shane managed to choke out the word, it stuck to his throat like codeine. The memory of a sickly boysenberry taste still invaded his mouth, even as he took another long drag from his blunt. 

“Then why are you just standing there?”

“I want to know what you’re getting out of this.”

Ryan sighed heavily, and swallowed before speaking. 

“I don’t know. Maybe I just want to feel good.” Ryan looked at Shane, his glassy brown eyes glittered in the dim light. “Look, there’s no strings attached, if that’s what you’re worried about. You could ghost me tomorrow and it wouldn’t matter.”

The sentence was punctuated with a weary shrug, and that shrug broke Shane’s heart.  _ How can you not think you’re worthy of someone caring about you? _

“I wouldn’t do that.” 

“I don’t think you would, big guy. That’s why you should.”

Shane sighed, deposited his blunt into the ashtray, and made his way to where Ryan stood. Ryan looked at him like he was waiting for something, anything. 

Shane just couldn’t starve himself any longer, even just a taste of Ryan would be enough. 

From the moment he pressed his lips onto Ryan’s, he wanted more, more,  _ more.  _ The kiss went from cautious to all consuming, Ryan allowed Shane to devour him, claiming more of his territory. 

Shane caught Ryan’s lower lip between his teeth, not so much asking for permission as he was taking whatever Ryan would let him have. Ryan keened and let Shane slip his tongue between his lips. He could hear the faint puffs of breath from Ryan’s nose, the slick sound of their tongues moving together. They’d have been fighting for dominance if Ryan hadn’t already let him have it.

Shane’s hands were anywhere they could find purchase; skating up his sides and under his stupid short sleeve hoody, gliding across the smooth skin that remained hidden most of the time. Shane drew his hand up the arch of Ryan’s back, swallowing the gasp that erupted from Ryan’s lungs. When he was satisfied with the shiver that ran through Ryan’s body, he brought his hands back around, digging his thumbs into the sensitive grooves of Ryan’s hip bones. 

Suddenly Ryan pulled away. The hoodie came off as Ryan pulled it over his head in one solid movement, and then he stood before Shane, shirtless. He looked up at Shane as if to challenge him, daring him to say something. 

“What?” Shane asked. 

His fingers itched to touch the indentations under Ryan’s collarbones, feel the smooth skin hugging the muscles in his arms. He wondered if the scar tissue on his chest was sensitive, if Ryan would even be comfortable letting him touch there.

“Nothing.” Ryan said. 

His brow furrowed. He seemed confused, like he was trying to figure Shane out. He was giving him the same look the night they met, that slight frown with a single upturned eyebrow.

“You know we don’t have to do anything, righ-”

“I want to.”

Ryan cut him off firmly, hooking his fingers through Shane’s belt loops and pulling him towards the bed. He crawled onto it without a hint of apprehension, settling on his elbows. The muscles in his core flexed with the awkward positioning, his skin rolled over the muscles just so, just perfectly un-perfect. 

Shane had never wanted to worship someone’s body so much. He crawled to where Ryan lay, looking down at his deep brown eyes. In the scant light it was hard to see where the iris ended and the pupil began, but it didn’t matter. 

Shane was already kissing Ryan’s lips, snaking an arm underneath underneath him to caress the muscles in his back that shifted with every tiny movement. Ryan laid back fully, making quick work of the buttons on Shane’s shirt. He smoothed the long expanse with curious fingers, seeking out all the warmth he could hold with two hands.

Shane pulled at Ryan’s lip, blunt teeth scoring his sensitive flesh. Ryan huffed at the sensation, sighing as Shane pressed searing kisses on his cheek and down the column of Ryan’s throat. He could taste the dew starting to gather on his skin, and Shane latched onto him like any minute he’d fall away. 

He savoured every gasp from Ryan’s lips just as he savoured the taste of his skin, sucking brilliant red blooms into his neck and chest. Ryan made the most feverish groan as his hands came to thread through Shane’s hair. He grunted when Ryan pulled just a little too hard, amused with the scoff that he felt through Ryan’s body. 

Shane was fairly certain he’d staked his claim on Ryan’s chest and neck, but it wasn’t enough. He wanted more, he wanted to feel Ryan writhing under him, one way or another. Shane pulled impatiently at Ryan’s pants, unfastening the button one handed. 

Ryan helped him, slithering out of his tight jeans. Shane hooked incredibly impatient fingers around the elastic band of Ryan’s underwear. He made quick work of them, planting impatient kisses on Ryan’s stomach, his hands gripping the junction of his waist. 

It wasn’t until Shane was following the wispy trail of hair at his abdomen down, and further down still that Ryan suddenly tensed, pulling lightly on Shane’s mussed up hair. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Ryan said in a shaky breath. 

“I  _ want to _ .”

“Most guys are kind of sloppy at it, so it’s fine… You don’t have to.”

“I’m not most guys.” Shane looked him right in the eye. He hated how cliched it sounded, coming out of his mouth. And he hoped, for the sake of his own ego, that Ryan was wrong. “I want to know what you taste like.”

It sounded a little weird coming out of his mouth, but it was true. Shane wanted to drink him down like fine wine and then see where the drunkenness led to. He wanted to be intoxicated by Ryan, and Ryan only. 

He watched Ryan try to suppress a moan, it came out as a little whimper with a deep release of breath. 

“Okay,” Ryan said in a hushed tone, spreading his legs for Shane. Shane spread them further, making himself comfortable between them. He didn’t play it coy, either. He figured he owed Ryan that much.

The moment Shane’s tongue pressed against him, Ryan shuddered, gasping and clawing at the sheets for something to hold onto. Shane took his damn time exploring Ryan, tasting him, seeing what made him shake and shiver. 

He sucked on his clit, snaking his tongue around the oversensitive bundle of nerves. Ryan’s head fell back as he groaned. His fingers threaded back into Shane’s hair as he spurred Shane on, spreading his legs even more so he could have more contact. Shane chuckled darkly as Ryan began to undulate his hips ever so slightly. 

It wasn’t enough for Shane, he wanted to feel Ryan  _ writhing _ under him, unable to take it but still hanging on for more. Shane wanted to feel his thighs violently shake, his heels digging into the meat of his back, he wanted it to hurt as Ryan inadvertently tugged on Shane’s hair. 

He wanted all of Ryan, because in the back of his mind, he was afraid he might never have him again. 

His index and middle finger slid into Ryan seamlessly, and Shane got what he wanted. Ryan’s stomach muscles clenched as Shane continued to lave his clit, his tongue and lips unrelenting. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, Shane,” Ryan whimpered just beautifully, he eyes clenched shut. Pinpricks of pain blossomed in Shane’s scalp as Ryan tugged his hair. He gasped as Shane found that sensitive spot inside him. “I’m close…”

Shane didn’t exactly have a plan in mind, but as soon as the words left Ryan’s mouth, he pressed even harder, thrusting his fingers in and out. Ryan was taut as a bowstring from his touch, his left thigh shaking uncontrollably, fingernails digging into Shane’s scalp. He happened to glance up, just as Ryan came with a high-pitched groan on his lips. 

“Jesus fucking Christ…” Ryan huffed as he pulled Shane off his overstimulated center. He looked at Shane with dark eyes, watching as Shane sat up and wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

Shane’s shirt hung loosely around his form, he let it slip off his shoulders and tossed it somewhere next to the bed, not having a damn to give about anything but the boy in front of him. 

Ryan was breathing heavy and looking up at him. Sweat glistened on his skin in the dim light, his hair was a total mess. The muscles in his stomach rolled and his rib cage expanded with each heavy breath he took.

“Was it sloppy?” Shane asked, teasing Ryan for his comment earlier. 

Ryan scoffed, glancing at the tent in Shane’s jeans. 

“Not in the ways that matter.” 

“Glad to hear it.” 

Shane could feel Ryan’s eyes roam all over his figure, he shivered in the cool air of the room. For whatever reason, Ryan had refused to look at him last time. He supposed it could be attributed to an unnecessary amount of pride, judging by the way Ryan had melted under his touch. 

Stoned out his mind, regretting his decisions but too stubborn to give it up. Shane wouldn’t have wanted to give him the satisfaction either, but it didn’t matter anymore. They were there now, looking at each other, coming to an understanding. 

Ryan said no strings attached, but Ryan was a  _ liar. _ Shane knew it going into it. 

It didn’t stop him, not then and certainly not now. He unbuckled his belt and shucked his jeans off, leaving them both as naked as the day they were born.

Shane sighed as soon as he was able to wrap a hand around himself, finding some relief in the dry grind of his own hand. He was aching, he ached to be touched by Ryan.

“Now what?” Shane asked, looking back up at Ryan, letting himself go.

Ryan swallowed and sat up a little straighter. “I thought I said I wanted you to fuck me.” 

“You didn’t. You asked me if I wanted to fuck you, and I said ‘yes’.” 

“Oh,” Ryan said, glancing back down at Shane’s cock before looking him in the eye. “Well then.  _ I want you to fuck me.” _

Shane crawled back to him, his length resting heavy and hot against his thigh. He kissed Ryan again, this time having some self control instead of just attacking Ryan with his tongue. Ryan wrapped his fingers around Shane’s length and tugged, making Shane groan into his mouth.

“Happy to oblige.” He whispered against Ryan’s lips, and then reached for the drawer of his nightstand. 

He could feel Ryan’s heated gaze as he grabbed a condom. Usually he’d feel self conscious as he rolled the slick latex onto himself, but this time he had the distinct feeling that he wasn’t being judged. Ryan looked hungry, like he might devour Shane whole if Shane didn’t hurry. 

And Ryan had big teeth.

Shane quickly slicked himself up with lube because it had been rough the first time,even with how wet Ryan had been for him. Shane didn’t like to brag about it, but he was big and he knew it. 

He settled back over Ryan, Ryan laid down under him, getting comfortable in the bed. Ryan sighed as Shane pressed into him, sliding in much smoother than the last time. Ryan was still unbelievably tight, hugging Shane’s cock like a searing hot grip. He was accustomed to giving his partners a minute to adjust, but Ryan was impatient, nudging Shane’s ass with his heel. 

“Move, please,” Ryan groaned. His eyes had fluttered shut, and he was breathing in short, aborted, breaths. 

And who was Shane to deny him? He was barely holding back himself, taking every bit of self control to not just start thrusting for his own pleasure. The tremble in Ryan’s leg was back, quaking against Shane’s waist. 

Shane paused, adjusting his position so he was holding himself up by his forearm above Ryan’s head, his other arm falling somewhere in the sheets near Ryan’s. His thrusts were shallower, but speared Ryan so much deeper. Shane focused on Ryan’s breathing, Ryan’s body language, all the signs that meant Ryan felt good. 

Ryan gasped as Shane hit his sweet spot once more. Shane kissed his chest as he aimed to hit that spot, Ryan’s thighs spasmed every time he did. He groaned when he felt Ryan tighten around him, thrusting a little bit harder and a little bit faster into that vice grip. 

Suddenly Ryan was tapping on his side. 

“Stop, stop, stop, hold on a sec,” 

Of course Shane pulled out right away, giving Ryan space to breath, wondering what went wrong.  _ God I hope I didn’t ruin this. _

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah, just want to do something.” Ryan reassured him and got to his knees. “Lay on your back.” 

Shane did so without hesitation, and like a dream Ryan settled over him. He stroked Shane’s cock a few times before guiding it into himself with gentle hands. Shane’s eyes almost rolled into the back of his head as Ryan sank down on him. He watched through heavy lids as Ryan made himself comfortable on top of him, testing his limits.

“Hey,” Ryan said, making Shane look up at him. “I don’t do this for just anybody.” 

And then he started moving and Shane could have shot his load right there from the visual alone. Ryan snapped his hips back and forth, muscles in his stomach rippling as he moved. He did it without holding onto Shane, running his fingers through his messy hair before leaning forward to grind on Shane’s cock. 

“Jesus…” Shane groaned. His hands found a place on Ryan’s hips, he couldn’t help but feel like they’d always belonged there. Ryan leaned over to rest his hands on Shane’s chest, breathing in short little pants. 

“You move too slow for me,” Ryan said, with a teasing glimmer in his eye. 

“I’ll keep that in mind for future reference.” Shane grunted as Ryan clenched around him, intentionally, if the wicked little smirk on his face had anything to say about it. 

Shane pulled Ryan down to kiss him, though it wasn’t as sensual as Shane wanted it to be so much as it was a sloppy open-mouth kiss, but that didn’t matter to either of them. Shane had a feeling they would both take what they could get.

Shane could feel the tug in his balls, the dangerous coil in his gut that was starting to unwind, and so help him god if he came before Ryan…

Judging by Ryan’s expression, he wasn’t that far away either, and his thrusts were tiring out, shallow and aborted. Shane planted his feet and lifted them both, and started fucking up into Ryan’s cunt. 

He was wet, Shane slid in and out with ease. Ryan keened, Shane piercing him deeper and deeper each time. 

“Fuck, Shane…” Ryan moaned, low and deep, warbling with every thrust Shane delivered. 

“You close?” Shane huffed, watching Ryan fall apart on top of him. What a beautiful sight, a better reason for Ryan to be breathing heavy, covered in sweat. He should be what brought Ryan euphoria, not some fucking hard-cut drug racing through his veins. 

Ryan shouldn’t need a reason to be drunk or a reason to be high when Shane was there, when Shane was so  _ gone _ for him. 

“I’m there, I’m nearly there…” 

His eyes clenched shut as he whimpered and leaned forward. His fingers scratched angry red lines into Shane’s chest. It ripped a growl out of Shane’s throat. He leaned up to fuck harder into Ryan, to wrap one arm around him so he could hold him, to feel the climax rip through him and tear him apart. 

Ryan gasped and shuddered, he sobbed into Shane’s shoulder as he came. Shane urged him on with sweet little nothings, quiet praises for Ryan’s ears only. 

“That’s it, that’s it... just like that, baby.” 

He didn’t miss the particular sob that Ryan produced at the word ‘baby’, Shane’s ego swelled knowing such a common pet name could take such a stubborn person apart, just like that. Ryan was by no means his baby, but God did he want him to be. 

Shane came with a quiet groan and shallow thrusts, still whispering words into Ryan’s ear. His mind went blissfully blank. 

They stayed like that for a moment, until Shane laid back down with his arm still around Ryan. 

Ryan let him hold him, he stayed in Shane’s arms for the time being, although he eventually rolled off to his side with Shane’s softening cock slipping out of him.

Shane was exhausted, wiped of energy. The clock on the nightstand read 2:36 AM, Shane sighed running his fingers through Ryan’s damp hair. 

“Holy fuck, dude.” Shane breathed aloud.

“Yeah, no fuckin’ shit.” Was Ryan’s quiet response.

Eventually Shane found the energy to get up, wandering to the bathroom to clean himself up. He came back, Ryan was standing in his underwear, pulling his dumb fucking hoodie back on. 

_ No, no, no. Don’t leave yet. _

How could so much time pass between them? Why did it feel like they had just gotten there, and Ryan was already leaving? 

“You don’t have to leave.” Shane said, watching him look for his jeans. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Ryan mumbled, turning one of the pant legs right-side-out. 

“Hey,” Shane said, loud enough to make Ryan stop his fussing and look at him. “I  _ want _ you to stay. Also, Ubers are creepy at 3 am.”

Ryan considered it, looking long and hard at the floor before tossing his jeans back on the ground. “Fine. I didn’t feel like going out this late anyway.” 

He crawled back into Shane’s bed, albeit a little bit more smug. 

Shane turned off the light and crawled in with Ryan, into his own bed. It felt odd having that extra presence there. Shane was too tired to focus on it, falling asleep rather quickly. He was far too wrapped up in his own naivety to notice Ryan laid next to him, still very much awake. 

\---

It was 6:30 in the morning when Ryan crawled out of Shane’s sheets, careful not to rouse the lightly snoring man. 

He’d tried to fall asleep, he really had. He’d tried to let Shane’s warmth lull him into a dreamless sleep, he’d tried to let Shane hold him in the night. He just couldn’t, not with the feelings that were starting to eat him alive from the inside out. 

Shane was too damn kind for his own damn good, he was just so careful. Delicate with Ryan, like Ryan might break if he handled him too hard. 

And the sex had been good. 

Great, actually. 

Probably the best sex Ryan had ever had in his life, and he’d had a lot of fucking sex. And normally he liked it rough, he liked to get absolutely  _ fucked _ . And he never kissed, and he  _ never,  _ under any circumstance, spent the night. 

He told himself he was going with Shane so that he could  _ forget.  _ He went with Shane so he could toss that god awful Halloween party out of his memory, if not for good, but for the time being. And maybe he’d get lucky if he wasn’t going to get high, Shane made it clear that he wasn’t into using his own product. 

And then Shane had to go and eat him out like that... treat him like he gave a damn about his pleasure at all. He just  _ had _ to hold him in his arms because Ryan was too exhausted to ride him anymore. 

He knew he’d asked Shane to fuck him, he hadn’t meant he wanted to get fucked emotionally.

Ryan couldn’t stop see-sawing between wanting that so badly and convincing himself he wasn’t worth it. Shane couldn’t know how fucking low his self esteem was, so he pretended like he didn’t care. 

He did care. A lot. More than he wanted to.

So there he was, quietly pulling on his jeans and socks, picking up his shoes and tiptoeing out of Shane’s room. He was queueing up a ride outside of Shane’s door when he heard the front door of the apartment unlock and swing open. 

Dread flowed through Ryan’s veins. It was obvious Shane had a roommate, he just hadn’t expected to run into him  _ that early  _ in the morning. It was too late to disappear back into Shane’s room unnoticed, the roommate was already shutting and locking the door. 

Tj turned and stopped as soon as he saw Ryan, surprised to find another person in the apartment. Then he scowled. 

_ Fuck. _

“What are you doing here?” 

At least he had the common sense to know that Shane was probably sleeping, keeping his voice relatively low. It didn’t hide the antipathy in his voice. 

“Doesn’t matter, I’m leaving now.” Ryan set his brow in a determined furrow. He didn’t care how intimidating Tj could be, he wasn’t going to submit to him.

“Did he  _ pay you _ to come home with him last night?” Tj asked, disgust poisoning his words.  _ With coke? _ went unsaid, but Ryan knew he was thinking it.

“It’s not your business, but no.”

“Good.” It marked the end of that conversation, but Tj was still standing in the way of the door, still looking at Ryan like he had quite a few words for him. “I swear to god, if you hurt him in any way, shape or form…”

Tj’s unfinished threat hung in the cold morning air, Ryan swallowed as quietly as he could. 

“Just get out of here.” Tj said, finally moving out of the way and walking to his own room.

“Fine.” Ryan said.

They glared at each other as Ryan walked passed. He finally slipped out the door and leaned against it, letting out the huge ragged breath he’d been holding in. 

The tears slipped silently down his cheeks, and he wiped them away quickly, trying to pull his shit together before he went downstairs to slide into the back of some rando’s car. 

_ Fucking Tj. _

Ryan couldn’t have anything nice, anything he had just wouldn’t last. The release of the night before had long since gone, and now it was taking back everything that Ryan had borrowed. It almost felt worse than coming down from coke, because all the negative shit swirling inside his brain was founded, and grounded in reality. 

At least on coke he could always blame it on paranoia. 

A door somewhere down the hall slammed shut, and it sobered Ryan. He was brought back to reality. He could go home and cry some more, and then actually go the fuck to sleep. 

He desperately needed to sleep.

So Ryan stood up straight, he dried his teary eyes, took a deep breath, and walked away from Shane’s apartment door. 

Four hours later, while Ryan was passed out cold in his own bed with tear tracks drying on his cheeks, a new follower request notification popped up on his phone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot how to write, sorry. 
> 
> Also cleopatraslibrary on tumblr made this lovely mood-board complete with all my favorite colors, please give them lots of love: https://cleopatraslibrary.tumblr.com/post/615495280881729536/s-t-a-r-g-a-z-i-n-g-by-heavymetalmothman-so
> 
> You can have the next chapter when i’m not mentally shutting down.

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter big explicit. 
> 
> Check out my tumblr @heavymetalmothman


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